The Ghost of Christmas Past...

Sunday, December 25, 2005

The Ghost of Christmas Past...

...snuck up upon me this evening, momentarily.

I tried my best to avoid it - tried my best to be "normal".

The house, newly furnished, was clean and ready to go.

Decorations were up, tree was lit, obnoxious reindeer lights were glowing in my front yard.

Presents were wrapped and bowed and gift-tagged.

Broke out the tacky Christmas china, the bright red table linens, prepared 80 zillion different courses (Ok, it was more like 5, but, hey, this is coming from someone who typically "cooks" by stuffing a frozen Lean Cuisine into the microwave).

Guests arrived, we broke out the wine, the champagne - and while everyone sat and chatted and laughed and played the piano and listened to Christmas music - I ran around and cooked and cleaned and cooked some more and cleaned some more...

...and that is what kept me from losing it this Christmas eve.

Funny how you can be surrounded by people and still feel so 'blah'.

Everyone seemed to have a good time - so that made me feel somewhat better. They enjoyed their gifts - and my mother gave me one of her most cherished pieces of jewelry, which of course got me thinking "why is she giving away her stuff?". And then it dawned on me why she was doing it, and uh, I started feeling sad beyond anything I've experienced in a very long time.

Definitely caught me off guard.

Ah well. Just got off the phone with WB (he was here earlier and called while driving home).

He congratulated me on surviving a night of many *firsts*.

He was referring to my celebrating the first Christmas at home since Rich died (last year I was still in shock, and ran away to NY with Jacqui on 12/25), the first time my mother has slept at my house since Rich died (long story there), the first time I had my good friends over since Rich died (another long story - they were our best friends & I haven't been able to hang out with them since he died - too painful), etc.

WB is so good at putting things into perspective - I hadn't thought about the evening in those terms, and I have to admit, looking at it from that angle made me feel so much better. *Thanks for your insight baby...love you*

I have to keep looking at my life in that way - to keep my focus on the now, rather than the "what if"...it's the only way that I'll truly be able to live my life.

Now there's a New Year's goal - my 2006 mantra: focus on the now...focus on the now...focus on the now...

I'll close with my Christmas horoscope - funny, it hits just a bit close to home:

ARIES (Mar 20 - Apr 19): An unresolved emotion gets caught in your thoughts like a deer in the headlights. It just doesn't want to move. You may be afraid to fully express it, but you cannot just stuff it back into unconsciousness. You will be able to get the energy moving later in the day, so don't stir things up prematurely. There's no need to blurt out your feelings at an inappropriate time. It will go smoother if you wait until you are less uptight.

posted by oren_ishii at 12:42 AM 1 comments

Living in the Land of Misfit Toys

Friday, December 23, 2005

Living in the Land of Misfit Toys

Ah yes, being a young widda is like living as one of the 'misfit toys'!

Around the holidays, particularly in my town - where 70% of the residents are married and the median age is 35yo - you stick out like a sore thumb when you're single and widowed.

And if you read any of the widda boards, you'll find that everyone - from the most seasoned vet to the newbie who suffered their loss just a month ago - is going through their own personal hell, trying their best to feign happiness during the holidays.

We're misfit toys....so sad, but true.

I personally identify with the Dolly - but was trying to remember: what the hell was wrong with her anyway??? I remember that Charlie in the Box was, well - he was a Charlie and not a Jack. The elephant was spotted and the little effeminate elf just wanted to be a dentist. Ha.

Ah well. Had a major wave last night but am feeling much more in tune with the spirit of the season this evening.

I'm actually feeling quite well at this moment.

My mother is here visiting - and tomorrow I'll have about 10-12 people over for dinner.

The tree is lit, I've got holiday music playing....and tonight Jacqui's going to bake Christmas cookies.

I can't wait for WB to open his gift. Now he occasionally reads my blog, so here's a message just for him:

"I know something you don't know!"

Mwah-ha-ha!!!

Nothing like a little virtual torture to get your blood flowing ;)

Ok, off to feed the elderly mother and child. Less than 48hrs to go....woo-hooo.

*Lifts glass and toasts my fellow misfit widdas*

posted by oren_ishii at 9:29 AM 2 comments

Take me to the station...

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Take me to the station...

...I'm gonna take a freight train down at the station, Lord

I don't care where it goes

Gonna climb a mountain, the highest mountain, Lord

Jump off, ain’t nobody gonna know...

Marshall Tucker Band, "Cant You See"

That's me this evening....bleah.

I slept for two hours this afternoon and um, accomplished nothing. And I have so So SO much to do before Saturday.

I think I overextended myself....sheesh. I still have to make the homemade pasta for Christmas eve, finish food shopping and pick up my elderly mother who lives an hour north of me.....all this before Saturday.

I have to finish wrapping presents.

My dopey cat was never declawed and is having a field day with the new furniture. I fought with him this a.m. and managed to get a few "soft claws" on his furry little ass....we'll see if these work as no one wants to declaw an 11yo cat.

I'm sad as hell.

And this is with *happy* pills....can you imagine what would've happened without them??

Went to the skin doc today and they are making wear the dopey steri-strips for another week.

Cant get the thing wet either - it melts the absorbable stitches too quickly.

That sucked. I'm tired of looking down and seeing the curls of the bandage on my face.

I'm sick of people looking at my face and asking "Oh gawd, what happened to your face?". Had another lady ask that when I stopped at a gas station today.

And Dr W reminded me that I can no longer spend time at the beach like I used to....did you know that UV rays cause skin cancer? We're talking my whole body here, people...he told me that I need to protect any exposed areas.

That sucks too. I love the beach. Spent many hours baking away by myself this summer....it was my getaway here in Florida, the place I ran to when I wanted to be alone to think, to cry, to regroup.

I have no place to run to anymore.

I guess I can slather on the SPF999 creme and dress like those albino-skinned chicks who wear long sleeved shirts and pants and big, flopppy woven hats while it's a humid 98 degrees out.

Seems like a hell of a chore when all you want to do is get lost in thought, in nature....sheesh.

This also means that I can't hang out for long at the upcoming 'Bago in January...Saturday afternoon is "Beach Day" and everyone is going to be there playing volleyball, drinking beer and what not.

I tried to get some of the widdas to shop with me as a diversion. But most must think I'm some kind of shallow girly-girl who just likes to shop...they responded that they all prefer the beach. There may be one or two who will hang out with me...but whatever. Maybe I'll just sit at the hotel bar and get hammered...

Oh wait, can't do that either. Anti-depressents don't mix well with tons of alcohol. But I have to admit that it might be damn entertaining if I did anyway, heh-heh.

Ah, I hate myself and I want to die.

Actually, I have a better one that WB made up: Life's short and then you're dead for a really long time.

Come holidays....hurry up and get over with already.

posted by oren_ishii at 7:16 PM 0 comments

I'll take you there...

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

I'll take you there...

I know a place

Ain't nobody cryin'

Ain't nobody worried

Ain't no smilin' faces

Mmm, no no

Lyin' to the races

Help me, come on, come on

Somebody, help me now

(I'll take you there)

Help me, ya'all

(I'll take you there)

Help me now

(I'll take you there)

Oh!

(I'll take you there)

Oh! Oh! Mercy!

(I'll take you there)

Oh, let me take you there

(I'll take you there)

"I'll Take You There", as sung by the Pointer Sisters*

I have furniture...

Ahhh....so nice to actually have a place to sit and a place to eat and a place to relax!

And a real, live bed! No more airmattresses!!! Yipeeee!

I won't bore you with pictures of the entire house, but suffice it to say that I'm one happy camper.

It took about 10 months to get to this point, but I did it. I finally completed everything I set out to do earlier in the year.

I painted the interior of my house in February, and then over the course of the next 9 months, I got new window treatments, painted the exterior, replaced ALL of the landscaping, got rid of all my old furniture - and have now replaced it with the new stuff.

So I spent much of today cleaning out the last of the old and replacing with the new. I have my old artwork, my old knickknacks, and other assorted stuff that no longer *fits* with my new decor.

Rich's computer table (he built a PC into a glasstop coffee table) was a tough one to dismantle...it's like you want to keep every little thing of theirs for nostalgic reasons. But it was something I had to do. For the moment, it's sitting in my garage, but I suspect that after the new year, I'll either donate the entire thing to a local charity - or else give it to whoever wants it.

Seems harsh, but it needed to be done.

The truth of the matter is that purging is relatively symbolic of my life: I've created a new life for myself, a new outlook, etc.

I'm a different person than I was in September 2004. My mind is different, my spirit is different, and um, now my house is different.

And it feels good. Really, really good.

ARIES (Mar 20 - Apr 19): The background events of your life are moving slower than you prefer, but at least they are pushing forward now. Have confidence that the snags you've hit are a thing of the past, even though your progress is still tentative. It's important to realize there is no need to struggle. The biggest problem may be your impatient desire to reach your destination. Forget about it and relax while you can.

posted by oren_ishii at 9:17 PM 0 comments

Now I can say...

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Now I can say...

...that I'm scarred inside and out.

Doesn't it look like I was in a knife battle? (Hey, I am "Oren Ishii" after all....maybe I really DO like Hattori Hanzo swords!)

Perhaps I was mugged during today's NY Transit strike?

Or maybe I was impaled by flying debris whilst driving in South Florida (it happens here all the time, you know).

Oh well.

So I once wrote about the virtue of being scarred, and suddenly felt compelled to reiterate and/or expand upon the concept.

We widda's are blessed.

"What's that?" you ask. "How can that be? Has she gone mad?"

Think about it like this...

You lose your spouse. Check.

Your life, as you knew it, whether you were together for one year or twenty-five, is over.

You go through the "shoulda, woulda, coulda" phase.

In other words, I should have done XXX before he died.

If I had, I would have realized XXX before he died.

We could have XXX before he died.

You get the picture.

So yeah, we widdas learn real quick that nothing lasts forever.

There are no promises & no expectations, and for that reason you can never, Ever, EVER take the little things in life for granted.

Widda's begin to appreciate the colors of a west coast sunset, and start to marvel at the beauty of a full moon or a star-filled night sky.

They get all teary-eyed gazing into the neverending reach of an ocean view.

They understand that time zips by before you know it, and that taking the time to live in the "now" makes all the difference in the world.

And if/when they find another soul to love, they know that something as simple as a goodbye kiss, or holding hands in the middle of a movie, or just hanging out and doing "nothing", should be cherished each and every time.

I subscribe to you that 90 percent of the human race does not appreciate these things in the same way that a young widda does.

And for that reason, my friends, we widdas are blessed.

(Jumps off the soapbox, pulls a wedgie out of her ass, and walks on into the moonlight)

posted by oren_ishii at 7:57 PM 1 comments

So far away

Monday, December 19, 2005

So far away

Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore

It would be so fine to see your face at my door

Doesn't help to know you're just time away

Long ago I reached for you and there you stood

Holding you again could only do me good

Oh, how I wish I could

But you're so far away

One more song about moving along the highway

Can't say much of anything that's new

If I could only work this life out my way

I'd rather spend it being close to you

But you're so far away

Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore

It would be so fine to see your face at my door

Doesn't help to know you're so far away

Traveling around sure gets me down and lonely

Nothing else to do but close my mind

I sure hope the road don't come to own me

There's so many dreams I've yet to find

But you're so far away

Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore

It would be so fine to see your face at my door

Doesn't help to know you're so far away

Carole King, "So Far Away"

Vacations are good for what ails you.

I spent the entire day yesterday all grubby, my hair piled up on top of my head, wearing sweat pants and a big Mickey Mouse golf shirt that belonged to Rich.

I power-washed my patio.

I wrapped Christmas presents.

I downloaded more weepy Christmas music.

I wrapped more Christmas presents.

Jacqui and the boyfriend brought home a Christmas tree.

It's huge - takes up just about all of the living room space in my little shoe-box sized home.

And I spent most of my evening decorating said tree - and found myself getting weepy with each ornament that I unwrapped.

Funny how little ornaments can bring back such a rush of memories.

I'm a pack-rat and have kept just about every little holiday decoration that Jacqui made throughout her life. I have paper decorations that she made, ornaments made from clay and paint, little reindeer cutouts with glue and glitter, felt stockings with glued-on cotton piping.

One ornament is a sleigh and reindeer made from construction paper covered in plastic - and depicts Jacqui's definition of Christmas, scrawled across the sleigh in her then-five year old handwriting:

"Christmas is...a music box chiming a sweet tune, It smells like gingerbread coming out of the oven. The sight of a Christmas tree with presents galore. The taste of chocolate cake. I feel the cold wind. And best of all my family is together."

I took one look at her words and basically lost it.

But it was a good cry.

I guess I was crying for the times that have past - for the fact that life really does zip by so quickly - and sometimes can stop on a dime.

Like I said, it was a good cry that made me go back to past Christmas memories.

I thought of all our traditions - Rich could never just "give" a present, there was always a game attached - whether it meant going on a treasure hunt for said gift, or trying to guess what the thing was before ripping off the wrapping paper.

One time he bought me my Fender Strat and amp - the box looked like a crane, a big square with this long protruding wrapped arm. I had no idea what the hell was in that box, and he made me sit and guess for what seemed like forever before opening it.

I remembered how Rich would get Jacqui to keep a secret about my gifts - even when she was just a little bitty thing. One time she accidentally "slipped" and after that he busted her chops, calling her "Blabby Jacqui" - which of course made all three of us bust up laughing.

He'd buy me one gold bangle bracelet every year - and would hide them in different places for me to find. One year, he had one dangling on a branch of our Christmas tree...and I didn't even notice it until he guided me to the tree.

I remembered the things he'd prepare for Christmas dinner (always an elaborate creation), the songs he'd sing around the house in his off-key voice, how he'd grab anything - even a parsley leaf and make believe it was 'mistletoe' just to get a kiss. I thought about how much fun we had putting together and (usually) playing with Jacqui's toys before wrapping them and putting them under the tree after she went to bed...

And we always had to have a "real" tree. Even though they're messy and expensive, Rich refused to buy a fake tree - he loved the smell of pine and now, despite my complaints, Jacqui has continued the tradition.

I also realized just how numb I was last year - and how I was barely functioning on autopilot, going through the motions even though I was emotionally "dead" to everything that was going on around me.

This year is so much different.

It's good to feel again...even if it means some tears every now and then. And it's even better to be alive - mentally, physically - life goes on, and it does so in such a grand way.

I'm looking forward to the weekend...

posted by oren_ishii at 8:10 AM 0 comments

Sunday, December 18, 2005

King Tut (King Tut)

Now when he was a young man

He never thought he'd see (King Tut)

People stand in line

To see the boy king (King Tut)

How'd you get so funky (Funky Tut)

Did you do the monkey

(Born in Arizona)

(Moved to Babylonia, King Tut)

(King Tut) Now, if I'd known

They'd line up just to see him (Funky Tut)

I'd trade in all my money

And bought me a museum (King Tut)

Buried with a donkey (funky Tut)

He's my favorite honkey

(Born in Arizona)

(Moved to Babylonia, king Tut)

Dancin' by the Nile (disco Tut)

The ladies love his style (boss Tut)

Rockin' for a mile (rockin' Tut)

He ate a crocodile

He gave his life for tourism (King Tut)

(Tut, tut, tut, tut)

Golden idol

(Tut, tut, tut, tut)

He's an Egyptian

(Tut, tut, tut, tut)

They're sellin' you (King Tut)

Now, when I die

Now don't think I'm a nut

Don't want no fancy funeral

Just one like ole King Tut (King Tut)

He coulda won a Grammy (King Tut)

Buried in his Jammies

(Born in Arizona)

(Moved to Babylonia)

(He was born in Arizona)

Got a condo made of stone-a

King Tut

"King Tut" Steve Martin

The exhibit rocked. How awesome to stand right in from of Tut's treasures and see the detail: the chips in the wood, the paint, the glass, the gold etchings....just amazing.

And another thing that was amazing? WB. In all ways. We had such a wonderful weekend - just love the hell out of him ;) I am so blessed to have him in my life...

posted by oren_ishii at 1:07 PM 0 comments