Friday, August 26, 2005

You Left Me

You left me, sweet, two legacies, -

A legacy of love

A Heavenly Father would content,

Had He the offer of;

You left me boundaries of pain

Capacious as the sea,

Between eternity and time,

Your consciousness and me.

Emily Dickinson, 'You Left Me'

Happy Anniversary, sweetie.

Had a relatively calm day. Between conference calls related to the storm and getting things straightened up around here, it was a busy morning/afternoon - and then I hung out with Jan and Dina for dinner.

Was showing them my wedding pictures from this blog and it dawned on me that 17yrs ago, I was out partying with my bachelorette girl friends, having fun and getting ready for the 'big day'. Had our rehearsal dinner and Rich purposely had his hair all shaggy and his beard all scraggly just to piss his parents off. He knew he was going to get clipped early the next day, but went out of his way to tell the parents that his hair was fine - he saw nothing wrong with walking down the aisle looking "bushy'...heh.

I miss him so, so much.

I have many friends, but I can't talk to anyone like I used to talk to him.

I have a lot of people who love and care about me, but again - no one on this planet loves me like he did.

And I know a ton of funny and intelligent people, but no one can hold a candle to him in the witty and brilliant department.

I realize that I had a really good life for such a long time. Some people never have what I had.

On the one hand I'm appreciative, but on the other hand I feel....well, I basically feel hopeless.

I don't know if I'm cut out for this widow shit. I've spent the past 11.5 months in a haze, bouncing off the walls with no particular direction or purpose. And suddenly the shit's hitting the fan in my heart and the only word I can use to describe it is...hopeless.

Maybe recluses have the right idea. I'm not talking about those who hibernate in their homes, I'm talking about the emotional recluses, the sleepwalkers. Maybe it's OK to hide in the comfort of your diversion of choice - and just get through life as quickly as you can.

posted by oren_ishii at 3:12 PM 0 comments