Lessons from the (Widow)Hood

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Lessons from the (Widow)Hood

If there was a Widowhood 101 course, there'd likely be a few chapters dedicated to depression.

The course would include a section on antidepressants, sedatives and the litany of chemical treatments that supposedly make one *feel* better, normal - less down and dreary.

Although I swore that I'd never give in to any chemical brain enhancements, I recently decided to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist, as the lack of sleep and continual widda-waves were really getting to me.

She said I have post traumatic stress syndrome (what a surprise, heh...and this supposedly causes depression) and anxiety (causes sleeplessness/bad dreams), and prescribed Wellbutrin XL as the first line of treatment.

The good news: in just 8 days, I can honestly say that I'm no longer feeling depressed.

The bad news: I'm noticing that I'm not really feeling much of anything.

Weird.

I'm not happy or sad - I just feel sort of neutral for most of my waking hours.

Not sure if I like this or not. I mean, I'm not missing the gigundo depressive waves, but have to admit that it's a bit weird feeling so detached. Strange stuff...we'll see how it goes over the next few weeks. I am sleeping better - the best I've slept in 14+ months. The shrink felt that the anxiety would be eliminated if I minimized the depressive waves...and it appears she was right on the money in that respect.

But despite the temporary chemical cure, I'm still dreading Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow evening. I was so numb last year and am now finding that I'm really not looking forward to hanging with a bunch of happy little couples and their families. I just don't fit in with them - at all - and am getting that feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach....yech.

Went to Epcot this weekend to see the "Legacy" that I had made for Rich. I handled the trip surprisingly well, with only one or two minor crying-spells (thanks WB for being there for me). It was weird being at WDW without Rich, but I did it, got through it, and survived relatively unscathed.

And this evening, I'm in Tampa with my baby, who's showing two of her horses in the AHA Thanksgiving show. She had a pretty good run today - with more classes tomorrow, Friday and Saturday.

posted by oren_ishii at 10:57 PM 0 comments