mixed emotions

Sunday, November 06, 2005

The best thing for being sad," replied Merlyn, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That is the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then--to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting.

-- T.H. White, The Once and Future King (Merlyn to Arthur)

Such a conundrum to be widowed 14 months and involved in a relationship.

On the one hand, I'm in love with a phenomenal man who puts his incredible heart out there front and center like no other I've ever met.

And on the other there's my grief, running silently in the background and triggered when I least expect it. Any number of things can launch it - family events, pictures, songs, anniversary dates...

I guess this is where the 'militant' widdas would tell me, "Well you see....you're obviously not ready to be in a relationship".

Bullshit.

It can be challenging but, in my opinion, certainly not insurmountable.

I'm fortunate to be with someone who "gets it", who has an abundance of patience and love in his heart.

14 months today, and I'm sitting here wondering if part of the reason for this widow-wave flare up has to do with the fact that I'm letting go. I'm letting Rich go...

Not an easy thing to do, really.

It's like finally acknowledging that your life is going to go on.

And that's bittersweet. Part of me misses the comfort in being sad, while another is ready to embrace the next phase of my life...

posted by oren_ishii at 8:58 PM 1 comments