Thursday, November 03, 2005

"Fear not for the future...

...weep not for the past."

Ah nothing like a little Shelley to get you thinking.

You know, it's good to take a look back every now and then, just to check your pace.

I wrote this last November, right after Thanksgiving.

I've come along way...

Twelve weeks or almost three months since Rich died.

Not sure if it's the timeline, the holidays, or a combination of the two....but I'm feeling lonely, depressed and overall just horrible.

I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. If one more person asks me "so how are you doing?", I might just respond honestly:

"How am I doing? Well aside from the fact that the image of my husband lying dead on the kitchen floor is forever etched in my mind, I'm doing just dandy. Do I feel weird using my kitchen now? You betcha! But hey, I was never one for the kitchen anyway so what the hell. And yeah, my Thanksgiving totally sucked, too. I had dinner with several happily-married little couples and their children, and ya know, it just really drove the point home about how miserable and lonely I am. And when I saw several dopey husbands chugging back one too many, making jokes with references to heart attacks ("you're going to eat that? Heh-heh, that has heart attack written all over it, yuck-yuck-yuck) and then bantering on and on about meaningless topics, it made me realize how God really screwed up in taking Rich out of this life...he really should've gone for one of the dopey drunks. And how is my daughter doing? Oh just great. She's withdrawn, depressed and experiencing some really cool mood swings that should only get worse as time goes on. 15 year old girls usually hate their fathers anyway, so you know, I'm sure she'll be "just fine". Yeah, things are just wonderful, and getting better every day. In fact, I bet I'll be back to my old self just in time for the new year."

Life sucks and then you die.

This phrase has suddenly taken on a whole new meaning for me.

posted by oren_ishii at 10:04 PM 0 comments