Friday, December 09, 2005

"...I wasn’t steering anything, not even myself. I just bumped from my hotel to work and to parties and from parties to my hotel and back to work like a numb trolleybus. I guess I should have been excited the way most of the other girls were, but I couldn’t get myself to react. I felt very still and very empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo. "

Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

I feel like I'm stuck in the eye of my mind's storm every once in a while, despite a good dose of Wellbutrin.

Had an uneventful day at work. Spent the morning learning how to avoid 'insider trading'.

The head of programming (a Brit) dressed up like Father Christmas, and he spent the afternoon entertaining us with candy and jokes...

We were then given "a gift" - early dismissal from work.

I went home and discovered that my air mattress sprung a leak. It was deflated to the ground.

I've been without a real bedroom for about a month now. Still waiting for my new furniture to arrive (and it can't get here soon enough).

In any event, after trying everything from duct tape to superglue as a repair, I gave in and went in search of a replacement.

I made the decision to go to WalMart.

WalMart scares me.

All sorts of people, from all walks of life, go to WalMart.

It's like going to a shooting gallery in Harlem - you just never know what you're going to experience in there....

So there I was, lost in an odd cross-section of South Floridians, and surrounded by Christmas displays....everywhere. Big blow-up Santas, animated light-up reindeer and plastic baby Jesus's all over the place.....sheesh.

I suddenly felt so alone and so miserable and so depressed.

All the Wellbutrin in the world couldn't stop that rotten feeling of gloom in the pit of my stomach.

So I got to the sporting goods section and as luck would have it, the mattresses were stacked on the highest shelf.

After wandering around trying to flag down a salesperson, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

I grabbed a ladder with wheels and lugged it over to the shelf.

And just as I struggled to reach the box that I wanted, I got scolded by an extremely angry blue jacket.

So I did what I do best: ignored her bantering, grabbed my mattress and walked right past her.

And then I cried the whole way home.

Not really sure why. But it felt good to get it out of my system.

Anyway, I guess I have to get a tree at some point. Jacqui's been pestering me to get one for over a week, but I just don't have it in me this year.

So funny when I think about it...last year, I got a tree without a problem.

I was still on autopilot at that time, so it wasn't that big of a deal.

Jacqui and I struggled like two morons getting it into the house and into the tree stand.

It toppled over a few times, but we eventually figured out how to fit it into the stand properly.

We decorated the thing.

And then first thing Christmas morning we ended up flying to NYC for the week.

So yeah, this year will be different.

I'm feeling a lot this year. Some feelings are good - very good, in fact. But some are certain to be not-so-good.

And life goes on...

posted by oren_ishii at 9:16 PM 2 comments