Nothing Good About Grief

The Ghost of Christmas Past...

2005-12-25T14:36:00.000-08:00

Sunday, December 25, 2005

The Ghost of Christmas Past...

...snuck up upon me this evening, momentarily.

I tried my best to avoid it - tried my best to be "normal".

The house, newly furnished, was clean and ready to go.

Decorations were up, tree was lit, obnoxious reindeer lights were glowing in my front yard.

Presents were wrapped and bowed and gift-tagged.

Broke out the tacky Christmas china, the bright red table linens, prepared 80 zillion different courses (Ok, it was more like 5, but, hey, this is coming from someone who typically "cooks" by stuffing a frozen Lean Cuisine into the microwave).

Guests arrived, we broke out the wine, the champagne - and while everyone sat and chatted and laughed and played the piano and listened to Christmas music - I ran around and cooked and cleaned and cooked some more and cleaned some more...

...and that is what kept me from losing it this Christmas eve.

Funny how you can be surrounded by people and still feel so 'blah'.

Everyone seemed to have a good time - so that made me feel somewhat better. They enjoyed their gifts - and my mother gave me one of her most cherished pieces of jewelry, which of course got me thinking "why is she giving away her stuff?". And then it dawned on me why she was doing it, and uh, I started feeling sad beyond anything I've experienced in a very long time.

Definitely caught me off guard.

Ah well. Just got off the phone with WB (he was here earlier and called while driving home).

He congratulated me on surviving a night of many *firsts*.

He was referring to my celebrating the first Christmas at home since Rich died (last year I was still in shock, and ran away to NY with Jacqui on 12/25), the first time my mother has slept at my house since Rich died (long story there), the first time I had my good friends over since Rich died (another long story - they were our best friends & I haven't been able to hang out with them since he died - too painful), etc.

WB is so good at putting things into perspective - I hadn't thought about the evening in those terms, and I have to admit, looking at it from that angle made me feel so much better. *Thanks for your insight baby...love you*

I have to keep looking at my life in that way - to keep my focus on the now, rather than the "what if"...it's the only way that I'll truly be able to live my life.

Now there's a New Year's goal - my 2006 mantra: focus on the now...focus on the now...focus on the now...

I'll close with my Christmas horoscope - funny, it hits just a bit close to home:

ARIES (Mar 20 - Apr 19): An unresolved emotion gets caught in your thoughts like a deer in the headlights. It just doesn't want to move. You may be afraid to fully express it, but you cannot just stuff it back into unconsciousness. You will be able to get the energy moving later in the day, so don't stir things up prematurely. There's no need to blurt out your feelings at an inappropriate time. It will go smoother if you wait until you are less uptight.

posted by oren_ishii at 12:42 AM 1 comments

Living in the Land of Misfit Toys

2005-12-23T14:36:00.000-08:00

Friday, December 23, 2005

Living in the Land of Misfit Toys

Ah yes, being a young widda is like living as one of the 'misfit toys'!

Around the holidays, particularly in my town - where 70% of the residents are married and the median age is 35yo - you stick out like a sore thumb when you're single and widowed.

And if you read any of the widda boards, you'll find that everyone - from the most seasoned vet to the newbie who suffered their loss just a month ago - is going through their own personal hell, trying their best to feign happiness during the holidays.

We're misfit toys....so sad, but true.

I personally identify with the Dolly - but was trying to remember: what the hell was wrong with her anyway??? I remember that Charlie in the Box was, well - he was a Charlie and not a Jack. The elephant was spotted and the little effeminate elf just wanted to be a dentist. Ha.

Ah well. Had a major wave last night but am feeling much more in tune with the spirit of the season this evening.

I'm actually feeling quite well at this moment.

My mother is here visiting - and tomorrow I'll have about 10-12 people over for dinner.

The tree is lit, I've got holiday music playing....and tonight Jacqui's going to bake Christmas cookies.

I can't wait for WB to open his gift. Now he occasionally reads my blog, so here's a message just for him:

"I know something you don't know!"

Mwah-ha-ha!!!

Nothing like a little virtual torture to get your blood flowing ;)

Ok, off to feed the elderly mother and child. Less than 48hrs to go....woo-hooo.

*Lifts glass and toasts my fellow misfit widdas*

posted by oren_ishii at 9:29 AM 2 comments

Take me to the station...

2005-12-22T14:37:00.000-08:00

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Take me to the station...

...I'm gonna take a freight train down at the station, Lord

I don't care where it goes

Gonna climb a mountain, the highest mountain, Lord

Jump off, ain’t nobody gonna know...

Marshall Tucker Band, "Cant You See"

That's me this evening....bleah.

I slept for two hours this afternoon and um, accomplished nothing. And I have so So SO much to do before Saturday.

I think I overextended myself....sheesh. I still have to make the homemade pasta for Christmas eve, finish food shopping and pick up my elderly mother who lives an hour north of me.....all this before Saturday.

I have to finish wrapping presents.

My dopey cat was never declawed and is having a field day with the new furniture. I fought with him this a.m. and managed to get a few "soft claws" on his furry little ass....we'll see if these work as no one wants to declaw an 11yo cat.

I'm sad as hell.

And this is with *happy* pills....can you imagine what would've happened without them??

Went to the skin doc today and they are making wear the dopey steri-strips for another week.

Cant get the thing wet either - it melts the absorbable stitches too quickly.

That sucked. I'm tired of looking down and seeing the curls of the bandage on my face.

I'm sick of people looking at my face and asking "Oh gawd, what happened to your face?". Had another lady ask that when I stopped at a gas station today.

And Dr W reminded me that I can no longer spend time at the beach like I used to....did you know that UV rays cause skin cancer? We're talking my whole body here, people...he told me that I need to protect any exposed areas.

That sucks too. I love the beach. Spent many hours baking away by myself this summer....it was my getaway here in Florida, the place I ran to when I wanted to be alone to think, to cry, to regroup.

I have no place to run to anymore.

I guess I can slather on the SPF999 creme and dress like those albino-skinned chicks who wear long sleeved shirts and pants and big, flopppy woven hats while it's a humid 98 degrees out.

Seems like a hell of a chore when all you want to do is get lost in thought, in nature....sheesh.

This also means that I can't hang out for long at the upcoming 'Bago in January...Saturday afternoon is "Beach Day" and everyone is going to be there playing volleyball, drinking beer and what not.

I tried to get some of the widdas to shop with me as a diversion. But most must think I'm some kind of shallow girly-girl who just likes to shop...they responded that they all prefer the beach. There may be one or two who will hang out with me...but whatever. Maybe I'll just sit at the hotel bar and get hammered...

Oh wait, can't do that either. Anti-depressents don't mix well with tons of alcohol. But I have to admit that it might be damn entertaining if I did anyway, heh-heh.

Ah, I hate myself and I want to die.

Actually, I have a better one that WB made up: Life's short and then you're dead for a really long time.

Come holidays....hurry up and get over with already.

posted by oren_ishii at 7:16 PM 0 comments

I'll take you there...

2005-12-21T14:37:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

I'll take you there...

I know a place

Ain't nobody cryin'

Ain't nobody worried

Ain't no smilin' faces

Mmm, no no

Lyin' to the races

Help me, come on, come on

Somebody, help me now

(I'll take you there)

Help me, ya'all

(I'll take you there)

Help me now

(I'll take you there)

Oh!

(I'll take you there)

Oh! Oh! Mercy!

(I'll take you there)

Oh, let me take you there

(I'll take you there)

"I'll Take You There", as sung by the Pointer Sisters*

I have furniture...

Ahhh....so nice to actually have a place to sit and a place to eat and a place to relax!

And a real, live bed! No more airmattresses!!! Yipeeee!

I won't bore you with pictures of the entire house, but suffice it to say that I'm one happy camper.

It took about 10 months to get to this point, but I did it. I finally completed everything I set out to do earlier in the year.

I painted the interior of my house in February, and then over the course of the next 9 months, I got new window treatments, painted the exterior, replaced ALL of the landscaping, got rid of all my old furniture - and have now replaced it with the new stuff.

So I spent much of today cleaning out the last of the old and replacing with the new. I have my old artwork, my old knickknacks, and other assorted stuff that no longer *fits* with my new decor.

Rich's computer table (he built a PC into a glasstop coffee table) was a tough one to dismantle...it's like you want to keep every little thing of theirs for nostalgic reasons. But it was something I had to do. For the moment, it's sitting in my garage, but I suspect that after the new year, I'll either donate the entire thing to a local charity - or else give it to whoever wants it.

Seems harsh, but it needed to be done.

The truth of the matter is that purging is relatively symbolic of my life: I've created a new life for myself, a new outlook, etc.

I'm a different person than I was in September 2004. My mind is different, my spirit is different, and um, now my house is different.

And it feels good. Really, really good.

ARIES (Mar 20 - Apr 19): The background events of your life are moving slower than you prefer, but at least they are pushing forward now. Have confidence that the snags you've hit are a thing of the past, even though your progress is still tentative. It's important to realize there is no need to struggle. The biggest problem may be your impatient desire to reach your destination. Forget about it and relax while you can.

posted by oren_ishii at 9:17 PM 0 comments

Now I can say...

2005-12-20T14:38:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Now I can say...

...that I'm scarred inside and out.

Doesn't it look like I was in a knife battle? (Hey, I am "Oren Ishii" after all....maybe I really DO like Hattori Hanzo swords!)

Perhaps I was mugged during today's NY Transit strike?

Or maybe I was impaled by flying debris whilst driving in South Florida (it happens here all the time, you know).

Oh well.

So I once wrote about the virtue of being scarred, and suddenly felt compelled to reiterate and/or expand upon the concept.

We widda's are blessed.

"What's that?" you ask. "How can that be? Has she gone mad?"

Think about it like this...

You lose your spouse. Check.

Your life, as you knew it, whether you were together for one year or twenty-five, is over.

You go through the "shoulda, woulda, coulda" phase.

In other words, I should have done XXX before he died.

If I had, I would have realized XXX before he died.

We could have XXX before he died.

You get the picture.

So yeah, we widdas learn real quick that nothing lasts forever.

There are no promises & no expectations, and for that reason you can never, Ever, EVER take the little things in life for granted.

Widda's begin to appreciate the colors of a west coast sunset, and start to marvel at the beauty of a full moon or a star-filled night sky.

They get all teary-eyed gazing into the neverending reach of an ocean view.

They understand that time zips by before you know it, and that taking the time to live in the "now" makes all the difference in the world.

And if/when they find another soul to love, they know that something as simple as a goodbye kiss, or holding hands in the middle of a movie, or just hanging out and doing "nothing", should be cherished each and every time.

I subscribe to you that 90 percent of the human race does not appreciate these things in the same way that a young widda does.

And for that reason, my friends, we widdas are blessed.

(Jumps off the soapbox, pulls a wedgie out of her ass, and walks on into the moonlight)

posted by oren_ishii at 7:57 PM 1 comments

So far away

2005-12-19T14:39:00.000-08:00

Monday, December 19, 2005

So far away

Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore

It would be so fine to see your face at my door

Doesn't help to know you're just time away

Long ago I reached for you and there you stood

Holding you again could only do me good

Oh, how I wish I could

But you're so far away

One more song about moving along the highway

Can't say much of anything that's new

If I could only work this life out my way

I'd rather spend it being close to you

But you're so far away

Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore

It would be so fine to see your face at my door

Doesn't help to know you're so far away

Traveling around sure gets me down and lonely

Nothing else to do but close my mind

I sure hope the road don't come to own me

There's so many dreams I've yet to find

But you're so far away

Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore

It would be so fine to see your face at my door

Doesn't help to know you're so far away

Carole King, "So Far Away"

Vacations are good for what ails you.

I spent the entire day yesterday all grubby, my hair piled up on top of my head, wearing sweat pants and a big Mickey Mouse golf shirt that belonged to Rich.

I power-washed my patio.

I wrapped Christmas presents.

I downloaded more weepy Christmas music.

I wrapped more Christmas presents.

Jacqui and the boyfriend brought home a Christmas tree.

It's huge - takes up just about all of the living room space in my little shoe-box sized home.

And I spent most of my evening decorating said tree - and found myself getting weepy with each ornament that I unwrapped.

Funny how little ornaments can bring back such a rush of memories.

I'm a pack-rat and have kept just about every little holiday decoration that Jacqui made throughout her life. I have paper decorations that she made, ornaments made from clay and paint, little reindeer cutouts with glue and glitter, felt stockings with glued-on cotton piping.

One ornament is a sleigh and reindeer made from construction paper covered in plastic - and depicts Jacqui's definition of Christmas, scrawled across the sleigh in her then-five year old handwriting:

"Christmas is...a music box chiming a sweet tune, It smells like gingerbread coming out of the oven. The sight of a Christmas tree with presents galore. The taste of chocolate cake. I feel the cold wind. And best of all my family is together."

I took one look at her words and basically lost it.

But it was a good cry.

I guess I was crying for the times that have past - for the fact that life really does zip by so quickly - and sometimes can stop on a dime.

Like I said, it was a good cry that made me go back to past Christmas memories.

I thought of all our traditions - Rich could never just "give" a present, there was always a game attached - whether it meant going on a treasure hunt for said gift, or trying to guess what the thing was before ripping off the wrapping paper.

One time he bought me my Fender Strat and amp - the box looked like a crane, a big square with this long protruding wrapped arm. I had no idea what the hell was in that box, and he made me sit and guess for what seemed like forever before opening it.

I remembered how Rich would get Jacqui to keep a secret about my gifts - even when she was just a little bitty thing. One time she accidentally "slipped" and after that he busted her chops, calling her "Blabby Jacqui" - which of course made all three of us bust up laughing.

He'd buy me one gold bangle bracelet every year - and would hide them in different places for me to find. One year, he had one dangling on a branch of our Christmas tree...and I didn't even notice it until he guided me to the tree.

I remembered the things he'd prepare for Christmas dinner (always an elaborate creation), the songs he'd sing around the house in his off-key voice, how he'd grab anything - even a parsley leaf and make believe it was 'mistletoe' just to get a kiss. I thought about how much fun we had putting together and (usually) playing with Jacqui's toys before wrapping them and putting them under the tree after she went to bed...

And we always had to have a "real" tree. Even though they're messy and expensive, Rich refused to buy a fake tree - he loved the smell of pine and now, despite my complaints, Jacqui has continued the tradition.

I also realized just how numb I was last year - and how I was barely functioning on autopilot, going through the motions even though I was emotionally "dead" to everything that was going on around me.

This year is so much different.

It's good to feel again...even if it means some tears every now and then. And it's even better to be alive - mentally, physically - life goes on, and it does so in such a grand way.

I'm looking forward to the weekend...

posted by oren_ishii at 8:10 AM 0 comments

2005-12-18T14:39:00.000-08:00

Sunday, December 18, 2005

King Tut (King Tut)

Now when he was a young man

He never thought he'd see (King Tut)

People stand in line

To see the boy king (King Tut)

How'd you get so funky (Funky Tut)

Did you do the monkey

(Born in Arizona)

(Moved to Babylonia, King Tut)

(King Tut) Now, if I'd known

They'd line up just to see him (Funky Tut)

I'd trade in all my money

And bought me a museum (King Tut)

Buried with a donkey (funky Tut)

He's my favorite honkey

(Born in Arizona)

(Moved to Babylonia, king Tut)

Dancin' by the Nile (disco Tut)

The ladies love his style (boss Tut)

Rockin' for a mile (rockin' Tut)

He ate a crocodile

He gave his life for tourism (King Tut)

(Tut, tut, tut, tut)

Golden idol

(Tut, tut, tut, tut)

He's an Egyptian

(Tut, tut, tut, tut)

They're sellin' you (King Tut)

Now, when I die

Now don't think I'm a nut

Don't want no fancy funeral

Just one like ole King Tut (King Tut)

He coulda won a Grammy (King Tut)

Buried in his Jammies

(Born in Arizona)

(Moved to Babylonia)

(He was born in Arizona)

Got a condo made of stone-a

King Tut

"King Tut" Steve Martin

The exhibit rocked. How awesome to stand right in from of Tut's treasures and see the detail: the chips in the wood, the paint, the glass, the gold etchings....just amazing.

And another thing that was amazing? WB. In all ways. We had such a wonderful weekend - just love the hell out of him ;) I am so blessed to have him in my life...

posted by oren_ishii at 1:07 PM 0 comments

Getting Ready for the Holidays

2005-12-17T14:40:00.000-08:00

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Getting Ready for the Holidays

^^Outcome of my last holiday cooking adventure^^

Oh you sillies, that's not really my kitchen.

But I am cooking next week....seriously.

Did I ever mention that I've had a few problems in the kitchen...

Like the time a part of my metal cake beater fell into a bowl of chocolate batter. And as luck would have it, the birthday boy (Rich) was the person who discovered the two inch piece of twisted metal in his slice of cake.

Or how about the time I made linguine and white clam sauce for my SIL and niece who were visiting from CA. We were midway through the meal when little Deanna politely interrupted the dinner conversation and asked, "Aunt Lisa....is this part of your pepper grinder?". She pulled a large chunk of black plastic from the middle of her dish and held it up for all of us to see.

She was right; it was from the pepper grinder....errrghh.

I have more stories, but I'll spare myself the embarrassment.

So anyway, I went to a kitchen store today and purchased a few tools that ought to help me with dinner.

No, no fire estinguishers.

I bought a pasta machine, some serving bowls and a bunch of gaudy Christmas placemats.

Our family follows the European/Catholic tradition of celebrating on Christmas eve, so next Saturday I'll be making something with seafood.

I'm thinking my usual linguine with white clam sauce - sans the pepper grinder pieces.

Maybe some zuppa di pesce. We'll see how adventureous I feel.

But no matter what, I'll make the homemade pasta.

Now I'll just keep my fingers crossed that my furniture arrives this Tuesday. They are loaning me couches, so that should be OK. Hopefully they'll find a loaner bedroom too - am getting really tired of the air mattress...

I downloaded a bunch of Christmas music today and am getting all teary-eyed as I write this.

Bocelli's 'Stille Nacht', or better yet, 'Adeste Fideles' - eh, he gets me every damn time.

Whitney Houston's 'Oh Holy Night'....sheesh, get me the damn Kleenex already.

Ok, no more tears...my face is throbbing. I'm even more bruised today than I was yesterday. And swollen on both top and bottom of my eye. Ugly, ugly, ugly.

A lady at Home Depot's check out counter had the balls to ask "what happened to your face?".

"My boyfriend slammed my head on the edge of our bathroom sink the other night" I stated, without missing a beat. "I forgot to use fabric softner on his jeans".

She looked at me with wide eyes, "Oh my gawwwd".

I smiled sweetly, gathered my stuff and walked out the door laughing.

Silly people.

posted by oren_ishii at 6:57 PM 1 comments

Bye-bye, Howard

2005-12-16T14:40:00.000-08:00

Friday, December 16, 2005

Bye-bye, Howard

You either love him or hate him....

But for many NY'ers - and to an extent, some in the DC market - we've always had a certain affinity for the King of All Media. Or shall I say the King of all FREE media.

Howard's last broadcast on terrestrial radio took place today.

I didn't get to hear the show - it's been ages since I've listened, but I read about it today with a tear in my eye.

Silly, you might think.

Howard's all about immature humor: shallow topics like tits, ass, lesbians...midget-tossing. His guests included Daniel Carver the KKK dude...The Kielbasa Queen...Dominic Barbara the wacked out attorney, Jessica Hahn (the chick who brought down Rev. Jim Bakker)....Dr Sal Calabro, a NJ plastic surgeon who donated free "boob jobs" to those most needing it, long before any of us had EVER even thought about "reality TV". Howard and his cronies (Ba-ba-booey Gary, Jackie "the Jokeman"Martling, Stuttering John Melendez and Fred Norris) would act as judge and jury, determining which of the pathetic women parading their mammaries around the studio were most worthy of a new set of knockers.

One of my favorite shows? Right around the time of the OJ Simpson trial, when Howard had a song-writing contest for listeners.

My favorite parody - and I believe the winner - a song written to the tune of "Old McDonald" that was called "Ol' Black OJ". It went something like this:

"Old Black OJ had a white wife,

Lookey, lookey here;

Old Black OJ had a big knife,

Lookey, lookey here"

It was downright wrong and dirty and sleezy and cheap. And it was funny as hell.

I grew up with Howard...or at least listening to him. And as "wrong" as it might seem, I actually enjoyed and appreciated his humor.

Rich and I bonded over Stern. We had "Crucified by the FCC", his book "Private Parts". We ordered his Pay-Per-View tennis matches and his New Years Eve special.

We agreed that the government had no right censoring his program. Freedom to change the dial and all, people.

Enjoying Stern's humor is like subscribing to the National Enquirer: you know content is crap, but you come back for more because it's scandalous and smutty and witty and entertaining.

And it makes you laugh. And if you don't like it - well, hell, don't listen.

I got to meet Howard when I was an intern at NBC in NYC back in the eighties.

I worked for WNBC TV's Local Broadcast Standards group on the 9th floor. But I always managed to get "lost" at least two or three times a day, just to check out the many cool TV and radio events taking place over at 30 Rock. Back in those days, an intern who got "lost" in the right places could see the Friday night rehearsals for Saturday Night Live, The Letterman Show, Don Imus's radio program or Howard Stern's.

And by the way, Howard was right: Imus really was an asshole.

I bumped into him one day while wandering around the radio studios. I said "Hello Mr. Imus" as he walked past me, and he stopped, turned around and barked "Who the hell are you and why the fuck are you on this floor?". I muttered an apology and scurried away.

Nice way to treat a 19yo kid with ambition. Asswipe.

Compare that to Howard. Met him in much the same way, and he responded to my hello with a genuine smile and "Hey, how'ya doin?".

Night and day difference, I tell ya. And no - he didn't check out my tits or ask for a flash.

So with a bit of nostalgia and an appreciation for a fellow broadcaster, I tip my hat and salute

the King of All Media...Howard Stern. May he continue to delight as many fans on Sirius as he did on the free airwaves.

posted by oren_ishii at 12:44 PM 0 comments

Reconstructing Lisa

2005-12-15T14:41:00.000-08:00

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Reconstructing Lisa

I've got a new face, heh.

INSERT PIC OF FUGLY ME!
^Me, bruised, swollen and um, stitched

Well not exactly....actually the surgery left a hole about as wide as a dime and almost as deep as a nickel but through the talent of Dr W, I'll be left with a skinny scar down the left side of my face.

Hey it beats the sh*t out a hole as wide as a dime, and as deep as a nickel!

Wasn't too bad. They numb the hell out of your face. It takes time to carve layer after layer out. Then you wait for the results.

That was the hardest part.

Luckily, WB drove me there and hung out with me the whole time.

What a guy, aye? He's really something else. We joked, he took incriminating pictures of my puffy mug piece, we hugged and kissed and listened to my Ipod....and next thing you know, it was time to get the results.

I was lucky. Dr W got it all out with the dime size/nickel depth hole. He then stitched me up - about 20 stitches all together.

Fun, aye?

The stitching took about an hour - and then I was done.

I'm happy it's over with.

Now I have to go back every three months to make sure nothing else crops up. The fun just doesn't stop.

Had a cool first last night. Me and WB slow dancing under a full moon on my back patio - without music.

Yeah, life is good, despite the little hiccups along the way...

posted by oren_ishii at 7:45 PM 0 comments

Weasels Ripped My Flesh

2005-12-14T14:42:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Weasels Ripped My Flesh

This'll be me tomorrow....

Weasels, knives, tom-ahto, tomato....whatever.

And that's all I have to say about that.

posted by oren_ishii at 9:35 PM 1 comments

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

"Oh but it's hard to live by the rules...

...I never could, and still never do"

The Pretenders, Talk of the Town

T-48hrs and counting....tick-tick-tick...and I'm on vacation starting Friday....whooppeeee.

18 days until 2006.....sheesh.

I can't believe that it'll be my second Christmas without Rich.

My second year without him.

Trippy. Very trippy.

I'm just about done with all of my Christmas shopping.

I even shipped out my YWBB 'secret santa' gift...go me.

Now I have 80 million things to wrap.

And I guess I have to break down and get that tree.

Ah but the longer I wait - the less pine needles that I'll have to clean.

But then again, the longer I wait, the more likely that I'll end up with a Charlie Brown tree.

It'll be fitting in my house, given the fact that I have no friggin' furniture.

Last I heard, they'll have the couches delivered by year end.

So my Christmas eve guests will have to be comfy sitting on my new dining room chairs. Or else, the tile floor...

I asked the furniture people for loaner couches but haven't heard back from them....figures.

All I have to say is....

...Bah Humbug!

posted by oren_ishii at 7:10 PM 0 comments

"Like the moon and the stars and the sun...

2005-12-12T14:42:00.000-08:00

Monday, December 12, 2005

"Like the moon and the stars and the sun...

...Well we all shine on."

John Lennon, Instant Karma

I had the weirdest dream last night.

Well, I actually had a few weird ones, but one stayed with me for most of the day.

I had the sensation of falling backwards - as in, full body being dropped backwards - and could feel my back hit something hard and cold with a loud CRACK, break through that (another loud CRACK) and then hit another hard and cold piece and then break through that...

Then the back of my body (back of my head, neck, back, arms, legs) felt ice cold and wet - and the feeling of cold water started moving from my back to around my sides....

And as I realized that I had fallen backwards through several layers of ice and then landed in the frigid water below the surface, I looked up through the darkness and noticed a jagged hole way above me (the surface of the ice), with several people looking down at me helplessly, calling to me, mouthes wide open, etc.

I only remember two of the people: one was Jacqui, the other was WB. The rest kind of blended into the background. And then I remember the feeling of the water consuming me - and just going with it, knowing that I had no other choice...and then I woke up.

Gotta stop eating those late night burritos, aye?

Heh. I didn't really eat any burritos. Guess I just have a lot on my mind and all....weird.

Wacky dreams aside, I had a wonderful weekend.

Me and WB hung out - and did nothing.

And you know what? Doing nothing with him is one of my favorite things to do.

I remember one of my coaches (Jerry, my ace-boom-cool mentor from Carmel CA) telling me that I needed to "learn how to relax" and "quiet my mind".

He gave me countless books, taught me to meditate, hypnotized me, etc. all in hopes of getting my brain "quiet".

Amazingly, WB is able to get me relaxed and quiet and happy without all of the hullabaloo :)

He's the best. I love him - and just love being with him, so, so, so very much.

Well, two more days and then it's time to get my face drilled.

Errrghhhh, I'm really not wanting to do this.

The pain part doesn't bother me so much...it's the idea that I have to sit there and let them carve away hunks of my face for potentially HOURS that is freaking me out.

I have the patience of a gnat. If I can't even sit through a friggin' all day meeting at work without getting up and pacing about, how the hell am I going to sit in a surgical center for this dopey procedure.

The good news is that I'll be on vacation starting Friday. Two blissful weeks without work.....ahhhhh! I'm going to hit the King Tut exhibit this weekend - assuming that I can leave the house without people gasping in fear. My doc told me that I may look bruised and swollen after the surgery....not sure if that'll be from the procedure OR if it'll be from the reconstructive part....ergghh. In any event, I think I'll mimic Samantha from that episode of Sex & The City, where she gets a bad facial treatment that leaves her face hideously red and burned. She has to attend Carrie's book signing party - and decides to "cover up" in fashion: she wears a ridiculous hat that has all this netting covering her face! Ah but the hat matches the outfit and shoes....lol. I'll have to throw something similar together, if for no other reason than to look even more ridiculous than I'd look with all the bruising and swelling!

Ok, will close with one of my fav pieces from the Tut exhibit....can't wait to see it.

posted by oren_ishii at 7:23 PM 0 comments

2005-12-09T14:43:00.000-08:00

Friday, December 09, 2005

"...I wasn’t steering anything, not even myself. I just bumped from my hotel to work and to parties and from parties to my hotel and back to work like a numb trolleybus. I guess I should have been excited the way most of the other girls were, but I couldn’t get myself to react. I felt very still and very empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo. "

Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

I feel like I'm stuck in the eye of my mind's storm every once in a while, despite a good dose of Wellbutrin.

Had an uneventful day at work. Spent the morning learning how to avoid 'insider trading'.

The head of programming (a Brit) dressed up like Father Christmas, and he spent the afternoon entertaining us with candy and jokes...

We were then given "a gift" - early dismissal from work.

I went home and discovered that my air mattress sprung a leak. It was deflated to the ground.

I've been without a real bedroom for about a month now. Still waiting for my new furniture to arrive (and it can't get here soon enough).

In any event, after trying everything from duct tape to superglue as a repair, I gave in and went in search of a replacement.

I made the decision to go to WalMart.

WalMart scares me.

All sorts of people, from all walks of life, go to WalMart.

It's like going to a shooting gallery in Harlem - you just never know what you're going to experience in there....

So there I was, lost in an odd cross-section of South Floridians, and surrounded by Christmas displays....everywhere. Big blow-up Santas, animated light-up reindeer and plastic baby Jesus's all over the place.....sheesh.

I suddenly felt so alone and so miserable and so depressed.

All the Wellbutrin in the world couldn't stop that rotten feeling of gloom in the pit of my stomach.

So I got to the sporting goods section and as luck would have it, the mattresses were stacked on the highest shelf.

After wandering around trying to flag down a salesperson, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

I grabbed a ladder with wheels and lugged it over to the shelf.

And just as I struggled to reach the box that I wanted, I got scolded by an extremely angry blue jacket.

So I did what I do best: ignored her bantering, grabbed my mattress and walked right past her.

And then I cried the whole way home.

Not really sure why. But it felt good to get it out of my system.

Anyway, I guess I have to get a tree at some point. Jacqui's been pestering me to get one for over a week, but I just don't have it in me this year.

So funny when I think about it...last year, I got a tree without a problem.

I was still on autopilot at that time, so it wasn't that big of a deal.

Jacqui and I struggled like two morons getting it into the house and into the tree stand.

It toppled over a few times, but we eventually figured out how to fit it into the stand properly.

We decorated the thing.

And then first thing Christmas morning we ended up flying to NYC for the week.

So yeah, this year will be different.

I'm feeling a lot this year. Some feelings are good - very good, in fact. But some are certain to be not-so-good.

And life goes on...

posted by oren_ishii at 9:16 PM 2 comments

random thoughts

2005-12-05T14:43:00.000-08:00

Monday, December 05, 2005

random thoughts

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."Oscar Wilde

I'm no exception, Mr. Wilde. Thank you very much for the lovely quotation.

I was thinking today about how widowed people get so hung up on timelines.

We count days, months, and years.

How long has it been since my spouse died?

How long was he/she sick?

How long were we together?

Don't get me wrong - I enjoy the comfort of timelines.

I suppose we do this to measure just how far we've come along on this journey.

If you log onto any widow bulletin board, you're bound to find opinions about timelines and grief.

Timelines come up time and time again for those who consider dating.

You should "wait", so the Young Widow 101 book goes, until you've allowed yourself time to properly grieve, and until such time that you've "found" or "rediscovered" yourself.

Most widows assume that this waiting period should last for at least two or three years.

I have a major issue with this logic, for obvious reasons.

Tomorrow it's 15mos for me, and here I am, quite happily in love with a phenomenal man.

So why else do I question the widow-101 logic?

Well, what if you already have a handle on who you are, without your spouse?

Or if you already know yourself?

What happens if you're a quick study?

I just don't buy into the whole "one timeline fits all widows" theory.

So am I still actively grieving?

I'd have to say that I am not.

I've accepted that Rich is dead - and is not coming back.

I still love him - or rather, I still love what I had with him.

Always will. Until the day I die...

But he's dead.

And I can't have a true love relationship with a dead man.

I accepted this a while back. And I think this acceptance is what makes the difference between' actively grieving' and 'no-longer actively grieving'.

Ok enough widow talk for one night.

Walter Williams is one of my favorite economists (next to Thomas Sowell). He writes a weekly column which I thought is relevant, given a lot of the recent news about Alan Greenspan's retirement and our economy:

What's inflation?

By Walter E. Williams

Last month, President Bush nominated Dr. Ben S. Bernanke, currently chairman of the President's Council of Economic Advisors, as chairman of Federal Reserve Board to replace the retiring Alan Greenspan. Alan Greenspan's replacement comes at a time of heightened fears of inflation resulting from the recent spike in oil prices.

First, let's decide what is and what is not inflation. One price or several prices rising is not inflation. When there's a general increase in prices, or alternatively, a reduction in the purchasing power of money, there's inflation. But just as in the case of diseases, describing a symptom doesn't necessarily give us a clue to a cause. Nobel Laureate and professor Milton Friedman says, "[I]nflation is always and everywhere a monetary phenomenon, in the sense that it cannot occur without a more rapid increase in the quantity of money than in output." Increases in money supply are what constitute inflation, and a general rise in prices is the symptom.

Let's look at that with a simple example. Pretend several of us gather to play a standard Monopoly game that contains $15,140 worth of money. The player who owns Boardwalk or any other property is free to sell it for any price he wishes. Given the money supply in the game, a general price level will emerge for all trades. If some property prices rise, others will fall, thereby maintaining that level.

Suppose unbeknownst to other players, I counterfeit $5,000 and introduce it into the game. Initially, that gives me tremendous purchasing power, whereby I can bid up property prices. After my $5,000 has circulated through the game, there will be a general rise in the prices -- something that would have been impossible before I slipped money into the game. My example is a highly simplistic example of a real economy, but it permits us to make some basic assessments of inflation.

First, let's not let politicians deceive us, and escape culpability, by defining inflation as rising prices, which would allow them to make the pretense that inflation is caused by greedy businessmen, rapacious unions or Arab sheiks. Increases in money supply are what constitute inflation, and the general rise in the price level is the result. Who's in charge of the money supply? It's the government operating through the Federal Reserve.

There's another inflation result that bears acknowledgment. Printing new money to introduce into the game makes me a thief. I've obtained objects of value for nothing in return. My actions also lower the purchasing power of every dollar in the game. I've often suggested that if a person is ever charged with counterfeiting, he should tell the judge he was engaging in monetary policy.

When inflation is unanticipated, as it so often is, there's a redistribution of wealth from creditors to debtors. If you lend me $100, and over the term of the loan the Federal Reserve increases the money supply in a way that causes inflation, I pay you back with dollars with reduced purchasing power. Since inflation redistributes (steals) wealth from creditors to debtors, it helps us identify inflation's primary beneficiary. That identification is easy if you ask: Who is the nation's largest debtor? If you said, "It's the U.S. government," go to the head of the class.

So what about the president's nomination of Ben S. Bernanke as Alan Greenspan's replacement? I know little or nothing about the man. What I do know is that it's not wise for one person, or group of persons, to have so much power over our economy. Here's my recommendation for reducing that power: Repeal legal tender laws and eliminate all taxes on gold, silver and platinum transactions. That way, Americans could write contracts in precious metals and thereby reduce the ability of government to steal from us.

________________________________________

Find this story at: http://www.townhall.com/opinion/columns/walterwilliams/2005/11/16/175724.html

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2005-12-01T14:44:00.000-08:00

Thursday, December 01, 2005

ARIES (Mar 20 - Apr 19): The lightning bolts strike and the party begins! You have been waiting for this moment, but no matter how you imagined it unfolding, things are not the same as you envisioned. Don't worry about the differences. What is significant is that you are moving forward again, even if it feels like you are still treading water.

I like today's horoscope...moving forward despite feeling like I'm treading water....heh.

What a coincidence with the bit about things not being the same as I envisioned.

Here I am, so very much in love (which I never thought would happen again) - appreciating so many different things this time around - and what happens?

WB and I both start experiencing health issues.

Not like I had envisioned, but hey, there's a reason for everything, right? A reason why we happened to meet, why we fell in love, and why we're going through these things together.

Tomorrow I go for my bloodwork, my EKG and chest Xray. And WB goes through his own sets of torturous tests....sheesh.

posted by oren_ishii at 6:02 AM 0 comments

Tuesday's Child

2005-11-30T14:27:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Tuesday's Child

"You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what's a life, anyway? We're born, we live a little while, we die. A spider's life can't help being something of a mess, with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heaven knows anyone's life can stand a little of that."

Charlotte to Wilbur, "Charlotte's Web" by EB White

I had a rather crappy morning.

First of all, it was a Tuesday.

And it was pouring rain - the kind that comes down in sheets, floods the side roads quickly and tends to clog the two major highways in South Florida.

It even frizzes the hair.

Nasty, I tell ya.

But that's not why the morning was crappy.

It was crappy because of my doctor's appointment.

I should've known when I got to the building and noted SKIN CANCER ASSOCIATES emblazoned in huge letters on the stucco entryway.

Something about seeing the word cancer in big letters got to me.

I started thinking about all of my friends who lost loved ones to cancer. WB, Dina, Todd, Debby, Lucy, Curtis...I could go on and on. I thought about my dad, who died from lung cancer back in 2001. My cousin who died from Leukemia when he was 5.

And I thought about Rich and how he must have felt going to the cardiothoracic surgeon that first time.

But that's still not the reason the appointment was crappy.

I got to the waiting room, signed in, sat down and let me tell you - I gazed around the room and realized that I had never seen so many really sickly looking people in one place.

Old women in wheelchairs with lumpy brown spots & pock marks lining their arms, old men with pale yet puffy skin, an underweight teenaged girl with a pasty complexion and a bandana around her head, a 40-something executive in his suit and sporting a huge bandage on one side of his jaw.

No one was smiling.

And I immediately thought "WTF? What am I doing here?".

I'm not sick.

I have a friggin overstated zit on my face.

But wait, that's still not why it was crappy.

The doctor marked me with a pen, took snapshots and then mumbled his observations into a little pocket voice recorder. He asked me to sign a two-page waiver which basically stated "I understand that the procedure will leave scars and require reconstruction".

Reconstruction? Isn't that indicative of something that was first destroyed? Sheeeeshhhhh.

He explained that I'll be on local anesthetic, and that I can expect to be in the OR for up to 8hrs, depending upon how badly the cancer has spread.

Apparently, squamous cells under the eyes can spread underneath without much evidence on the surface.

Lucky me.

So I get to sit through them carving out one skin layer at a time until they're sure that it's all been removed.

And that is why my day was crappy.

December 15th is D-day....yeah, I can hardly contain my enthusiasm....not.

I did manage to cheer up when I got to work though. I found a blow up "Bozo the Clown" punching bag while in Tampa, and one of my friends filled it with air last night and had it waiting in my office.

So yeah, being greeted by Bozo made me smile.

I walked past him and shot a right hook to the nose that knocked him back at a 45 degree angle.

He bounced right back with his silly Bozo grin.

If we could all recover so quickly.

And then I got a dozen beautiful roses from WB. Again.

I'm so fortunate to have him in my life. For so many reasons...he's the light in my life.

posted by oren_ishii at 1:07 AM 0 comments

2005-11-29T09:45:00.000-08:00

November 29th 2005 - such a weird time for me, full of mixed emotions.

Part of my experience is surreal...no other way to describe it, really. It's like I'm going on and living my life, and then all of a sudden the realization that "Yes, Rich is really gone for good" pops into my head. It's typically ephemeral- almost like a subliminal frame flashing through the filmstrip in my head.

I'm thinking ahead to the holidays, and wondering what it's going to be like this year.

According to the wisdom of our widowed-elders, year two is "much worse" than year one.

You're anesthetized by grief during that first year.

But year two? All bets are off. Raw emotion, baby.

I'm in an unusual situation, I suppose. I'm already living a new chapter in my life - yet there's a part of me that occasionally turns to look back at where I used to be...

So I've decided to have Christmas eve at my house this year. My turf, my friends...and unfortunately my cooking...

I'll do the traditional Italian fare - dei pesci. Latins and Italians celebrate Christmas on the 24th, so being a traditional sort of girl (heh), I'll stick with that game plan.

And hopefully, I'll even have furniture....I'm still without anything besides two rolling computer desk chairs and an air mattress! The new stuff should be here by mid-December, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed...

Well, time to try and sleep. I have an appointment with the MOHS doctor tomorrow and need to be somewhat refreshed in order to get through my long list of questions (so doc, while you're peeling off layers of cancerous skin, think you can do anything for my wrinkles??? hehehe)

posted by oren_ishii at 9:20 PM 0 comments

Rich's "Leave a Legacy" at Epcot

2005-11-28T14:27:00.000-08:00

Monday, November 28, 2005

Rich's "Leave a Legacy" at Epcot

Ok, trivia time: did you know that Disney doesn't allow photos of dead people on their "Leave a Legacy" monument at Epcot?

No memorials are allowed - only images which depict a "living" legacy.

Rather funny considering that at some point, all of those who posed for pictures under the monolithic "Space Ship Earth" ride will be dead.

But I digress.

Although I obviously couldn't have Rich pose for a picture (and no, they don't allow you to submit your own existing pics) I did get one of their little ready-made designs (the little heart) and left his Disboards user name with "A Legend" on the monument. Sidebar: he had "A Man, A Legend, A Way of Life" as his signature at that board, hence the title...

Lessons from the (Widow)Hood

2005-11-22T14:29:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Lessons from the (Widow)Hood

If there was a Widowhood 101 course, there'd likely be a few chapters dedicated to depression.

The course would include a section on antidepressants, sedatives and the litany of chemical treatments that supposedly make one *feel* better, normal - less down and dreary.

Although I swore that I'd never give in to any chemical brain enhancements, I recently decided to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist, as the lack of sleep and continual widda-waves were really getting to me.

She said I have post traumatic stress syndrome (what a surprise, heh...and this supposedly causes depression) and anxiety (causes sleeplessness/bad dreams), and prescribed Wellbutrin XL as the first line of treatment.

The good news: in just 8 days, I can honestly say that I'm no longer feeling depressed.

The bad news: I'm noticing that I'm not really feeling much of anything.

Weird.

I'm not happy or sad - I just feel sort of neutral for most of my waking hours.

Not sure if I like this or not. I mean, I'm not missing the gigundo depressive waves, but have to admit that it's a bit weird feeling so detached. Strange stuff...we'll see how it goes over the next few weeks. I am sleeping better - the best I've slept in 14+ months. The shrink felt that the anxiety would be eliminated if I minimized the depressive waves...and it appears she was right on the money in that respect.

But despite the temporary chemical cure, I'm still dreading Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow evening. I was so numb last year and am now finding that I'm really not looking forward to hanging with a bunch of happy little couples and their families. I just don't fit in with them - at all - and am getting that feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach....yech.

Went to Epcot this weekend to see the "Legacy" that I had made for Rich. I handled the trip surprisingly well, with only one or two minor crying-spells (thanks WB for being there for me). It was weird being at WDW without Rich, but I did it, got through it, and survived relatively unscathed.

And this evening, I'm in Tampa with my baby, who's showing two of her horses in the AHA Thanksgiving show. She had a pretty good run today - with more classes tomorrow, Friday and Saturday.

posted by oren_ishii at 10:57 PM 0 comments

Signs

2005-11-17T14:29:00.000-08:00

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Signs

I'm home again. And now getting ready to leave for Orlando and then Tampa....sheesh! More laundry, more packing...bleh!

Jacqui and I spent yesterday afternoon together - we shopped and went out to dinner and chatted.

I miss her so much when I'm traveling...so I always enjoy our little excursions when I get back home. My baby....sigh....love her to pieces.

Anyway, she's been having a rough time lately, and told me that while I was gone, she kept Rich's old cell phone with her - like a security blanket of sorts. Thing hasn't been charged in over a year so it obviously doesn't power up and the service was disconnected right after Rich died.

And while she was in the shower yesterday, she said heard it ring.

She poked her head out of the shower just to be sure that it wasn't her phone ringing and it definitely wasn't (her phone has a different ring type).

She's certain it was Rich's cell ringing. He had a very distinct ring tone set - one that you don't hear to often anymore.

So when she got out of the shower, she checked and the phone was as dead as it was before she got in the shower.

Weird...but so cool if it was him :)

She also seems to feel that the number 44 is "his" number, which is weird, considering that WB believes that 44 is a number used by his wife as a sign (and I've been with him on several occasions where I got to see the number come up).

I doubted her at first and then she reminded me of "Goofy 44" - the first parking spot his family parked in on their first trip to Disney - and which Rich memorized after 30 years and always, always, always talked about (in fact, his brother Jim mentions this in the eulogy he delivered during Rich's funeral service. Go here to read: http://findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=9579658)

And of course, Jacqui remembered his last license plate, and um, here it is:

Coincidence? I guess. But kinda' weird, huh?

Maybe I'm seeing things that I want to see as a comfort, but um, I've recently witnessed a few other odd things. When WB and I went to Tallahassee, we were walking with his daughter around a little street fair (bunches of tents and kiosks with artisans and crafts, etc) and while looking at jewelry, a man came up to WB's daughter (I was standing right next to her) and said "Take this IQ Test", and handed her a card. I thought that was an odd thing to say, and assumed it was a religious holy roller or something - but lo and behold, the card was about atheism. Hmmmm, IQ test and atheism...two things that were very distinguishable about Rich. (And Sally the psychic did say that Rich was bored with lights - and that he was coming through to me through other people).

Ok, ok that's a stretch, I know, but what about this: I was at Dulles airport walking with my bags and a man came up alongside me and said "Excuse me, I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you are really beautiful". Was this Rich giving me a compliment before my big night out or just a nice guy??? Who the hell knows....

And in other news...I had a little bump on my face biopsied and was a little shocked to find out that it was squamous cell carcinoma - a fancy name for skin cancer.

Bummer, huh. But the good news is that it's easily treatable through this cool procedure called MOHS where they remove one layer of skin at a time (less chance of a bad scar, better accuracy with removal). There's a link to a brochure which explains the surgery/risks here: http://www.mohssurgery.org/New/Patient_publicResources/PatientIndex.html

I like how they throw in a line about being a bit of "discomfort". Discomfort my ass...maybe I read too much between the lines, but it sounds to me like it's going to hurt like hell. Grrrrr!

Anyway, it kind of flipped me out for a while there (never thought I'd be saying "I have cancer")

though I know that it's common and no where near as serious as Melanoma. I have an appointment to visit the MOHS doctor after the holidays...go me.

I hate having surgery. Ergghhhhh.....I've had my tonsils out, my gall bladder, my uterus...now this. Pisses me off, I tell ya...

Ah but all is not bad: I can't wait to get on the road tomorrow and to get the hell out of dodge (a week away from work...whooooo-hooooo!). I need a good vacation and all, but the better news is that I get to see my sweetie :)

What can I tell ya? The man has me hook, line and sinker - and I couldn't be happier...

posted by oren_ishii at 11:13 PM 1 comments

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

2005-11-16T14:30:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Had a relatively good time at the Gala this evening. They announced us all, we did our thing, got our little 'betsy' pins, ate, drank and made merry.

Was most impressed with the 'Woman of the Year', Laureen Ong. She's from Nat Geo (our competition...yikes), but gave a memorable speech that covered passion and taking chances.

She told the story of how when she was little & would go out to eat with her parents, her father forced her to try something new from the menu each time. She used to get upset but learned to appreciate it later in life....

This is where her story of passion comes in. There were many times where she'd "try something new from the menu" of careers, only to learn that there was something missing. At one point when she was between jobs and sort of desperate, she tried the financial field. It's not that she couldn't do the work - she was smart and knew the mechanics. It was just that she had no desire at all, no passion and therefore just couldn't do it.

She had to try though - just as a way of testing the waters - and it ended up helping her to learn more about herself. She began to understand what she loved and was really good at, and what she didn't love...and years later, that led her to her current job, heading up a network which, after only 5 years, is profitable and a ratings success. Her passion.

As I listened to her, I realized that my passion has all but dwindled in my current role. Maybe it's time for me to start sampling other things on that career menu.

Me in my Betsy 'gala-wear'

posted by oren_ishii at 10:28 PM 0 comments

Back with the Betsy's

2005-11-15T14:31:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Back with the Betsy's

Tonight I'm looking at a full moon from my hotel window on Connecticut Street in Washington DC.

Just back from a cocktail reception and dinner with the grrrrrls.

It was like a homecoming of sorts. Hugs, how-are-ya's, industry gossip and stories. Robyn from Court TV bought us all shot glasses with "BMLI Class XII" and a mini bottle of Grey Goose as a welcome gift.

Ah yes, it's good to be with my Betsy's.

We took a bit of time to go around the dinner table and share something interesting with the group.

Karen got promoted over at HBO, Lori is working on a new MTV show in Miami, Pam lost her job at Comcast but managed to negotiate continuing on with the Betsy's as part of her going away package...

And me? I could've shared stories about my work during Hurricane Wilma, the new program strategy on the Kids network, the new facility upgrade research that I'm working on...but uh, no.

"I'm in Love" just popped out of my mouth.

I got a standing ovation, a toast and then bunches of grrrls clammoring over the table to smother me with hugs. They requested pictures, which I happily handed over.

WB was a big hit with the Betsy's :)

Pretty cool, huh?

So tomorrow morning I'll be working with the group from 8am until about 2pm, discussing life passions. That'll be our theme, the thing we'll be working on - and then we get all gussied-up, hair swept into little up-dos, blingy jewelry. We'll pose for pictures and then hit the Gala with a splash.

And I'll be officially inducted into the 'club'...I'll get a cute little pin, congratulatory gifts, countless leads and contacts, a picture taken that'll be published in all the industry trades, interviews with local business publications (had my first one yesterday...sheesh), public speaking/panel invitations....and um....so what?

I've come full circle - officially "made it" in my business.

I'm finally getting what I've spent more than 17 years working towards....a reputation as a bonafide exec in my business.

Finally getting what I always thought that I wanted.

Go me.

And now the question is this: what do I want to do next?

Drop out from society and live in a teepee? Serial Killer? Cereal Killer? World domination?

lol.

Time will tell....for now, I'll just enjoy this moment.

posted by oren_ishii at 9:27 PM 1 comments

The Art of Purging...

2005-11-14T14:31:00.000-08:00

Monday, November 14, 2005

The Art of Purging...

No, this isn't a treatise on bulemia.

I'm sitting in a house that's literally empty. My nephew stopped by this evening and took the last of my furniture for his new apartment (my family room furniture and my bedroom furniture). The dining set went about two weeks ago...

Thank goodness for air mattresses and computer chairs.

Not the best scenario but hey, it's temporary.

And as I'm learning in other areas of my life, even the best plans require an adventureous spirit. The ability to improvise. The realization that you may not get things exactly perfect the first time, but that you'll make it work someway, somehow.

Of course, it helps to have an optimistic mindset.

The good news? I'll have my new furniture within the next couple of weeks, so at least this will give me the chance to do a thorough cleaning before it arrives (amazing how many tumbleweed-shaped dust balls and old dog bones you find when you move things around!)

I thought I'd have a hard time letting go (of the furniture, not the dust balls) but as it turns out, it wasn't that big of a deal. I'm actually a bit relieved to get rid of it - guess I'd resigned myself to the fact that I was purging everything in this house back in the fall of 2004.

It's taken me that long to get to this point...14+ months.

So here I am - new furniture, new love, new year...basically a new life...and it's all good.

I still have to pack for my trip tomorrow (DC gala...whoo-hoo). The challenge will be sifting through the bags of clothing that now lie on my bedroom floor and trying to pack.

I'm wondering how to fit a ballgown into a suitcase? Sheesh...one big ball? Not sure that it'll fit into a garment bag...

The gala is on Wednesday night. Hope I don't trip over the dress when I'm "presented" with my fellow "Betsy's".

Other than that? Well, I had a pretty good day at work. The highlight of my day? I got to the office and was surprised by a dozen roses and a lovely note from my sweetie...WB is really something else.

Tasouli S'agapo

2005-11-13T14:32:00.000-08:00

Sunday, November 13, 2005

All say, "How hard it is that we have to die" - a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live.

Mark Twain

I had an incredible weekend.

I had the chance to meet another one of WB's children - a daughter who attends college in Northern Florida - so I was honored and flattered to be introduced to her.

I've now met all of his children and must say that WB has such a wonderful family - he is truly blessed with beautiful children and adorable grandchildren.

He's also blessed with a gift that few people actually possess...a genuine and sincere heart that's about the size of Texas! Just watching him interact with his daughter, I could sense such a strong love and rapport between the both of them...just incredible.

It made me think of Rich and Jacqui - and it made me wish that Rich had just a bit more time on this earth to share those sorts of feelings with her.

Rich was not a person who could easily show his emotional side. He used humor in lieu of true emotion - especially when it came to his feelings of love and fear.

Don't get me wrong - he loved Jacqui with all of his heart...it's just that he could not be as open about it as I would've liked him to be.

2005-11-10T14:32:00.000-08:00

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Last Sunday morning, the sunshine felt like rain.

Week before, they all seemed the same.

With the help of God and true friends, I come to realize

I still had two strong legs, and even wings to fly.

Oh I, ain't wastin time no more

'Cause time goes by like hurricanes, and faster things.

Lord, lord Miss Sally, why all your cryin'?

Been around here three long days, you're lookin' like you're dyin'.

Just step yourself outside, and look up at the stars above

Go on downtown baby, find somebody to love.

Meanwhile I ain't wastin' time no more

'Cause time goes by like pouring rain, and much faster things.

You don't need no gypsy to tell you why

You can't let one precious day slip by.

Look inside yourself, and if you don't see what you want,

Maybe sometimes then you don't,

But leave your mind alone and just get high.

Well by and by, way after many years have gone,

And all the war freaks die off, leavin' us alone.

We'll raise our children in the peaceful way we can,

It's up to you and me brother

To try and try again.

Well, hear us now, we ain't wastin' time no more

'Cause time goes by like hurricanes

Runnin' after subway trains

Don't forget the pouring rain.

Ain't Wastin Time No More, The Allman Brothers

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can't believe it's November....another year wrapping up.

I've been thinking a lot about what's transpired in the past year and it's a bit mind-blowing.

Ran like a maniac all over the US (NY, NJ, NV, CA, CT, ME, PA, OR, MD) and Latin America (Argentina) but really didn't get anywhere.

Went on multiple interviews, got job offers, but didn't accept them.

Worked like a maniac inbetween, and was somehow able to launch a bunch of new networks and get the company through three hurricanes without losing my head.

Learned about psychics, DGI's, skin hunger and "widowbagos".

Dated and made every attempt to act "normal", but was too numb to feel a damn thing.

Broke down every so often, hit my lowest lows and felt like my life was pretty much over.

Met a ton of people, some of whom I now consider to be my good friends - and realized that I wouldn't have met any of them if Rich hadn't died.

And just when I thought that I had this major mental issue with the concept of love? BAM,

I meet the most incredible man on this planet- and get this, he's a widower who "gets it". I fall in love.

Pretty wild, isn't it?

It's good to be where I'm at today...a different and somewhat unique vantage point.

I still have a long way to go, but I'm starting to realize that I'll be able to pull even more of my life together in 2006. Do things a bit differently. Get back to the things that I enjoy the most.

Take advantage of the lessons that I've learned. Enjoy what Rich has given me - a beautiful daughter, wonderful memories, and the ability to appreciate the things that matter most.

It's a good feeling. Light at the end of the tunnel and all that.

posted by oren_ishii at 11:06 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

2005-11-09T14:33:00.000-08:00

I had the opportunity to have lunch with a good friend the other day - a person that I'm considering working with on a new business venture.

It got me sooooooooo excited. I've actually had a hard time containing my enthusiasm and energy ever since. I've already got lists of ideas, research that I've done on the web, and on and on and on...

And that made me realize just how lackluster my current job is.

It's like a bad lover; you go through the motions and all, but, um, you just ain't feeling the love.

I can do my current job blindfolded and all, but the passion....ah, the passion has been fading away little by little over the course of the past year or so.

Life sucks without passion. It really, really does.

While I can't afford to quit the day job, nothing is stopping me from starting to work on this project in my spare time.

Without getting into too much detail, I'll just say that it combines two things that I love: technology and people, with something that I happen to have a lot of experience with - Disaster Management.

I'm thinking of putting together a blog just so that my partners and I can start brainstorming ideas. Once we get a business plan together, I'll use it for updates, industry gossip/speculation and other useful information.

And in other news, this 2nd level old soul (supposedly in her fourth cycle!) is gearing up for some year-end rest and relaxation.

I'm taking off this weekend with WB to go visit his daughter (upstate Florida), then I hit DC for the gala, and then I'll attempt a trip back to Disney World. From there, I go to Tampa for a huge horseshow, come back to work for two weeks, and then take off for two weeks (YEAHY) until 2006.

I scattered Rich's ashes last time I was in WDW, so not sure how I'll handle going back.

Not sure exactly why I want to go back, really. I guess a part of me wants to see if I can handle it, while the other part wants to just go there and enjoy the memories...

posted by oren_ishii at 10:50 PM 0 comments

mixed emotions

2005-11-06T14:34:00.000-08:00

Sunday, November 06, 2005

The best thing for being sad," replied Merlyn, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That is the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then--to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting.

-- T.H. White, The Once and Future King (Merlyn to Arthur)

Such a conundrum to be widowed 14 months and involved in a relationship.

On the one hand, I'm in love with a phenomenal man who puts his incredible heart out there front and center like no other I've ever met.

And on the other there's my grief, running silently in the background and triggered when I least expect it. Any number of things can launch it - family events, pictures, songs, anniversary dates...

I guess this is where the 'militant' widdas would tell me, "Well you see....you're obviously not ready to be in a relationship".

Bullshit.

It can be challenging but, in my opinion, certainly not insurmountable.

I'm fortunate to be with someone who "gets it", who has an abundance of patience and love in his heart.

14 months today, and I'm sitting here wondering if part of the reason for this widow-wave flare up has to do with the fact that I'm letting go. I'm letting Rich go...

Not an easy thing to do, really.

It's like finally acknowledging that your life is going to go on.

And that's bittersweet. Part of me misses the comfort in being sad, while another is ready to embrace the next phase of my life...

posted by oren_ishii at 8:58 PM 1 comments

Acquainted with the Night

2005-11-05T14:34:00.000-08:00

Saturday, November 05, 2005

I have been one acquainted with the night.

I have walked out in rain - and back in rain.

I have outwalked the furthest city light.

I have looked down the saddest city lane.

I have passed by the watchman on his beat

And dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain.

I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet

When far away an interrupted cry

Came over houses from another street,

But not to call me back or say good-bye;

And further still at an unearthly height,

O luminary clock against the sky

Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right.

I have been one acquainted with the night.

Robert Frost

posted by oren_ishii at 1:19 AM 0 comments

2005-11-03T17:05:00.000-08:00

Thursday, November 03, 2005

"Fear not for the future...

...weep not for the past."

Ah nothing like a little Shelley to get you thinking.

You know, it's good to take a look back every now and then, just to check your pace.

I wrote this last November, right after Thanksgiving.

I've come along way...

Twelve weeks or almost three months since Rich died.

Not sure if it's the timeline, the holidays, or a combination of the two....but I'm feeling lonely, depressed and overall just horrible.

I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. If one more person asks me "so how are you doing?", I might just respond honestly:

"How am I doing? Well aside from the fact that the image of my husband lying dead on the kitchen floor is forever etched in my mind, I'm doing just dandy. Do I feel weird using my kitchen now? You betcha! But hey, I was never one for the kitchen anyway so what the hell. And yeah, my Thanksgiving totally sucked, too. I had dinner with several happily-married little couples and their children, and ya know, it just really drove the point home about how miserable and lonely I am. And when I saw several dopey husbands chugging back one too many, making jokes with references to heart attacks ("you're going to eat that? Heh-heh, that has heart attack written all over it, yuck-yuck-yuck) and then bantering on and on about meaningless topics, it made me realize how God really screwed up in taking Rich out of this life...he really should've gone for one of the dopey drunks. And how is my daughter doing? Oh just great. She's withdrawn, depressed and experiencing some really cool mood swings that should only get worse as time goes on. 15 year old girls usually hate their fathers anyway, so you know, I'm sure she'll be "just fine". Yeah, things are just wonderful, and getting better every day. In fact, I bet I'll be back to my old self just in time for the new year."

Life sucks and then you die.

This phrase has suddenly taken on a whole new meaning for me.

posted by oren_ishii at 10:04 PM 0 comments

The virtue of being scarred

2005-11-02T14:35:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

"I just don't want to die without a few scars."

Chuck Palahniuk, 'Fightclub'

I was talking to a friend today who is going through a divorce. It's rather messy, and she was telling me that she just wants to take her kids, move up to Atlanta and 'start over' in a new environment.

She made a statement about how she knew that I'd understand, given my "situation".

And it got me thinking about how easy it would be to sit here and whine about the hand I've been dealt as a young widow.

And then I remembered Chuck's quote, and it got me thinking about the virtue of being "scarred".

This may sound strange, but there's a certain efficacious quality to living through tragedy.

An advantage, in a twisted sort of way.

There's the obvious realization of what you took for granted before said tragedy.

Not just from a relationship perspective, but in all aspects of life.

You find yourself connecting the dots with more ease, more clarity.

It should come as no surprise that you appreciate things on a much simpler level - whether it's the shimmering sun rippling across a lake at sunrise or the colors of the Florida sky at sunset...you just become more aware, more appreciative.

As T-bone said to me just a few weeks back, it's a gift - Rich's gift - to me.

A little Pollock eye-candy for what ails ya...

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

2005-09-07T14:33:00.000-07:00

"...Crossroads,

Will you ever let him go?

Will you hide the dead man's ghost,

Or will he lie, beneath the clay,

or will his spirit roll away..."

Allman Brothers Band, 'Melissa'

posted by oren_ishii at 1:44 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

2005-08-31T15:14:00.000-07:00

Contradiction: A denial. Inconsistency, discrepancy. Being contradictory.

As a widow, your life becomes wrought with contradictions.

You suffer a major loss, yet you're embarking on a NEW chapter of life.

A new chapter. Makes it sound so positive and all.

You're 'forced' out of a relationship, but read any grief book and you're told to avoid new relationships for a while.

You need to grieve, after all.

So here you are, sad as hell and jonesing a hug from just about anything with a pulse...and you're told 'no'.

Sit back. Keep grieving.

Some people attend widow get-togethers, and folks party and drink and hug....maybe even cavort around the local hot tub and flirt. And that's Ok.

But succomb to the unthinkable fling or worse yet, relationship, with a fellow widow at these events *add dramatic music here* and, well, that's just plain wrong.

For the brave few who DO find themselves in a widow relationship - well, more often than not, they think twice before making it known to the other widows.

Yeah, people may congratulate you - but in the pit of your stomach, you just know that some people are jealous - angry. They're playing by 'the widow rules of engagement.

And you're not.

The phrase "no expectations, no promises" is tossed around quite often.

And I've come to the conclusion that it's bullshit.

How can you have 'no expectations'? We all have expectations. Even if you truly have 'no expectations', you have the expectation to have none!

I submit that it's human nature to want the comfort of a relationship.

You know how horses are herd animals - they need to be in the herd, lest they get lonely, scared - don't know how to survive?

Humans are a similar animal - companionship is a necessity.

Just who the hell do we think we're kidding?

Most expect to find that 'special someone' - but are afraid to admit it.

But no one really wants to be alone.

Contradictions...they ARE a bitch.

Celebrity Skin

2005-08-30T15:14:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Oh make me over,

I'm all I want to be;

A walking study,

In demonology...

Hole, Celebrity Skin

Just got this in an email from our Communications dept - it's a press release that they're sending to WICT...about me.

So weird to see my work life summarized into a page of basically useless information - and a goofy picture.

WWRS? (what would Richie say?) Ahh, he'd make me laugh with a sarcastic comment about how the picture at least hides my 'size 9 socks'. And then he'd add a remark about the hyphen-Hyams in my name.

He never liked the 'hyphen-Hyams'. Wanted me to be just 'Hyams'. But everyone knew me by my maiden name, so when I got married, uh, the hyphen stuck.

Sorry, Rich.

So there you have it...a small slice of me...

posted by oren_ishii at 2:07 PM 1 comments

Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish...

2005-08-29T15:15:00.000-07:00

Monday, August 29, 2005

Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish...

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky – I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation - the Macintosh - a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me – I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I retuned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

Steve Jobs, CEO Apple; Commencement Address at Stanford U, 2005

Not much else to say....gotta love Mr. Jobs. Here's to connecting the dots *raises glass*

Sunday, August 28, 2005

2005-08-28T15:16:00.000-07:00

"It's the question, Neo. It's the question that drives us. It's the question that brought you here. You know the question, just as I did.... The answer is out there, Neo, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to."

Trinity to Neo, The Matrix

The party's over...it's the last day of my vacation.

So sad to think that I have to go back to the rock quarry tomorrow :(

I had a good day. Jacqui and I went to Borders and picked up a few books. I found one on "channeling" - curious to see what the channelers mean by 'vibrations' and all.

And this evening, I turned-on a widower friend to Coldstone's Ice Cream...just love that place. They plop a big scoop of ice cream onto this cold slab, and then mix-in basically anything you want....cake, bananas, nuts, white chocolate - you name it, they have it.

Talk about being decadent...mmmmm. Guess I'll have to work out a little harder tomorrow morning to make a dent in the ol' caloric intake...

And I had my wrist and arm "sniffed". I can honestly say that the experience was a first for me. Crazy widowers :)

So tonight my friend and I were commiserating about what it means to 'move on'. You hear this term used all the time by widows. Basically it's widow-speak for the process of moving past your grief, picking up the pieces and going forward.

But what does it really mean?

Does it refer to the point where you realize who and what you are, sans the spouse? Do those who have moved-on have better clarity about where they're going in life? Does it mean re-inventing your "self" - and if so, how the hell do you do that?

Is this a term for people who get into new, serious relationships? Or can you be in a serious relationship without having truly moved on?

How does one get to the "I've moved on" point? And how do you know you're there? What is it that we'll be moving away from - the pain & feeling of loss, the "old" person that we were as part of a couple?

All of the above? Some of the above? None of the above?

Ah, so many questions...gotta stop drinking those late night lattes'

Saturday, August 27, 2005

2005-08-27T15:16:00.000-07:00

Music, when soft voices die,

Vibrates in the memory --

Odours, when sweet violets sicken,

Live within the sense they quicken.

Rose leaves, when the rose is dead,

Are heap'd for the beloved's bed;

And so thy thoughts when thou are gone,

Love itself shall slumber on.

Percy Shelley

Ok, I swear - this will be my last syrupy post. I do enjoy Shelley, however. Incredible insight for such a young man.

Hung out with my widdas tonight - what would I do without them? And the lesson learned? Well the 'thawing out' feeling I've been experiencing lately is normal; it's a prelude to what I'll experience during my second widow year.

Apparently the ice is melting. I'm coming out of the 'numb' stage - and will walk into year two with my emotions raw & exposed...guess that's why nine out of ten widows surveyed recommend strong drugs for those embarking on their second year. heh.

Yes, it's true kids: Year 2 IS more difficult than Year 1.

And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...there's more.

Also had my tarot cards read this evening, a simple three-card spread. Here's what came up:

(past) Queen of Penacles: The effective business woman...enjoys her material comforts

(present) Six of Penacles: Monetary success, can now afford to be philanthropic

(future) The Devil: A victim of her own 'demons'; face them, deal with them and break free of the self-imposed chains.

So what are my self-imposed chains? (And what happens if I enjoy chains once in a while?!) Funny how this theme comes up again and again, whether in Tarot readings or psychic readings...

Friday, August 26, 2005

2005-08-26T15:17:00.000-07:00

You Left Me

You left me, sweet, two legacies, -

A legacy of love

A Heavenly Father would content,

Had He the offer of;

You left me boundaries of pain

Capacious as the sea,

Between eternity and time,

Your consciousness and me.

Emily Dickinson, 'You Left Me'

Happy Anniversary, sweetie.

Had a relatively calm day. Between conference calls related to the storm and getting things straightened up around here, it was a busy morning/afternoon - and then I hung out with Jan and Dina for dinner.

Was showing them my wedding pictures from this blog and it dawned on me that 17yrs ago, I was out partying with my bachelorette girl friends, having fun and getting ready for the 'big day'. Had our rehearsal dinner and Rich purposely had his hair all shaggy and his beard all scraggly just to piss his parents off. He knew he was going to get clipped early the next day, but went out of his way to tell the parents that his hair was fine - he saw nothing wrong with walking down the aisle looking "bushy'...heh.

I miss him so, so much.

I have many friends, but I can't talk to anyone like I used to talk to him.

I have a lot of people who love and care about me, but again - no one on this planet loves me like he did.

And I know a ton of funny and intelligent people, but no one can hold a candle to him in the witty and brilliant department.

I realize that I had a really good life for such a long time. Some people never have what I had.

On the one hand I'm appreciative, but on the other hand I feel....well, I basically feel hopeless.

I don't know if I'm cut out for this widow shit. I've spent the past 11.5 months in a haze, bouncing off the walls with no particular direction or purpose. And suddenly the shit's hitting the fan in my heart and the only word I can use to describe it is...hopeless.

Maybe recluses have the right idea. I'm not talking about those who hibernate in their homes, I'm talking about the emotional recluses, the sleepwalkers. Maybe it's OK to hide in the comfort of your diversion of choice - and just get through life as quickly as you can.

posted by oren_ishii at 3:12 PM 0 comments

Thursday, August 25, 2005

2005-08-25T15:17:00.000-07:00

Thursday, August 25, 2005

75mph winds are no fun.

But I thank the technology gods for underground utilities *sings their praises*

As of 9pm, I still have power, but the eye wall has passed and now the real fun begins.

Woo-hoo. I'm just giddy with anticipation.

I didn't bother with shutters. Such a pain in the ass. Each panel must weigh about 80lbs and even with Jacqui helping me, it's next to impossible for me to handle. Someone has to hold them while the other person screws them in with a screw gun. Half of my screws are stripped from last year and a few are even broken off inside - guess they had too much use last year.

Yeah, I could've asked for help or paid someone to do it but....shit, it's a Cat-1. Tell ya what, in November I'll invest in those damn accordian shutters.

So after working out for an hour (yeah, I was THAT bored) I've been online window shopping for a formal dress.

I need something with a little pizzaz for the Gala in November. Now I'm 42, so the last thing I want to do is look like an old hag playing hooker, but I also don't want to look like an old frump either.

Ah, forty-two is soooo confusing when you have the mentality of a 16 year old.

Here's a few options...

Ok, so I don't have the blond hair or white skin, but this could work, right? Not slutty, or youthful....and not old ladyish or hag-like, right?

Here's another one:

Ok, so she looks like she's toasted off her ass (holding up the wall...yikes) but the dress is cool

And one more

This one's a little bustle-y for my taste, but uh, it's an option.

And another (told you I was bored)

Yeah, she looks like she just pulled her hands out of doo-di or something...but the dress is Ok

Last one, swear...really

Oh wait, that's me. Ah the wonderful Yia-Yia...think I'll be Ok in any of those dresses?

Ok, well that killed half an hour. I think I'll go take a nice long bath and then read for a bit. Friggin' hurricanes....hmmph.

posted by oren_ishii at 9:09 PM 2 comments

2005-08-24T15:18:00.000-07:00

Prince or pauper, beggar man or thing

Play the game with ev'ry flow'r you bring

Dandelion don't tell no lies

Dandelion will make you wise

Tell me if she laughs or cries

Blow away dandelion

One o'clock, two o'clock, three o'clock, four o'clock chimes

Dandelions don't care about the time

Dandelion don't tell no lies

Dandelion will make you wise

Tell me if she laughs or cries

Blow away dandelion, blow away dandelion

Tho' you're older now its just the same

You can play this dandelion game

When you're finished with your childlike prayers

Well, you know you should wear it

Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailors lives

Rich man, poor man, beautiful, daughters wives

Dandelion don't tell no lies

Dandelion will make you wise

Tell me if she laughs or cries

Blow away dandelion, blow away dandelion

Little girls, and boys come out to play

Bring your dandelions to blow away

Dandelion don't tell no lies

Dandelion will make you wise

Tell me if she laughs or cries

Blow away dandelion, blow away dandelion

Rolling Stones, 'Dandelion'

^^Ah, Rich and Giovanni (my father) dancing at my wedding.

Rich grabbed him for this shot and decided to make it a 'slow dance'.

You have to understand that my father was old-school; guys in his generation were tough - they didn't hug, much less dance close. Someone might perceive them as being gay, after all.

Of course, Rich enjoyed the little dancing experience all the more because of my poor father's twisted perception. Rich just loved to size people up, figure 'em out quickly and then have fun with them.

And I have a confession to make: it was a hobby that he and I shared, bonded-over, in fact.

So anyway, Jacqui was looking at pictures today and paused on this one.

"Guess this is one shot that I won't have in my wedding book."

Touche'...no, no father shots in her album. Ehhhhh, it just sucks.

And speaking of screwed up weddings, have to say that 'Wedding Crashers' had it's moments. My favorite character? Well I was torn between the emo brother and the nympho sister....hard to explain, see the movie and you'll understand why. And it did help Jacqui and I to forget about life for a bit...which we needed.

I hope our power stays on for the next few days. The only thing worse than a friggin hurricane is losing power because of a friggin hurricane.

How the hell am I gonna surf? Sheesh, I shudder at the thought.

Will close with a pic from my buddy TD... this is me as a South Park character (gotta love the gothy bustier thing!)

posted by oren_ishii at 12:13 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

2005-08-24T13:19:00.000-07:00

The old woman took the umbrella, gratefully, and smiled her thanks. "You've a good heart," she told him. "Sometimes that's enough to see you safe wherever you go." Then she shook her head. "But mostly, it's not."

Neil Gaiman, Neverwhere

Amen sister. Sometimes a good heart is just not enough.

Tropical Storm Katrina has got me down...nasty little storm is expected to be a Cat 1 Hurricane by tomorrow.

I'm not into putting up shutters.

I just realized how much I now hate hurricane season. I mean, I've always hated it...just a pain in the ass with work and all. But now I have the additional head trip of remembering what was going on around me when Rich died last year.

He had to pick hurricane season to die...couldn't wait until winter or spring or the middle of summer...or until he was 70-something.

Jacqui and I are also having a bad day.

She's depressed, I'm depressed and I haven't got the energy or creativity to think of any particular reason why we should just "hang in there" or why it's important to keep going.

My pseudo-solution: a movie. So we'll go check out "The Wedding Crashers" this evening. If the movie sucks, maybe we can laugh - or at least count on a little chocolate rush to tide us over for 90 minutes or so.

Time in a Bottle

2005-08-23T15:20:00.000-07:00

Time in a Bottle

If I could save time in a bottle

The first thing that I'd like to do

Is to save every day

Til' eternity passes away

Just to spend them with you

If I could make days last forever

If words could make wishes come true

I'd save every day like a treasure and then

Again, I would spend them with you

But there never seems to be enough time

To do the things you want to do

Once you find them

I've looked around enough to know

That you're the one I want to go

Through time with

If I had a box just for wishes

And dreams that had never come true

The box would be empty

Except for the memory

Of how they were answered by you

Jim Croce, 'Time in a Bottle'

Ah yes, nothing like 70's music. I found one of Rich's CDs where he had a mix of Jim Croce, Robin Trower and Frank Zappa. He was such a 70's boy...so funny. It was hard getting through 'Bridge of Sighs' and Zappa is funny, although a bit much for my taste - but I ended up crying when I heard Croce's song - hadn't heard it in years and it just got to me.

I just really wish that I'd spent more time with Rich.

Well it's thundering and lightening outside right now, 1am-ish in the morning. Love to listen to the sounds of a storm...just very relaxing and soothing to me. An angry sky is appealing to me for some odd reason...

Had a decent day...very mellow. Went to look (again) for furniture...it's like deja vu...believe I did this on the last vacation I had...the one where the stupid store went out of business. Well the good news is that I found a place here in Weston, so will go back tomorrow with a deposit and my floor plans so I can make sure everything fits in my little shoebox house.

Also went to a Pilates place...they offer classes two nights a week so I'm going to sign up. It's a little pricey but what the hell - at least they only allow 12 students at a time, which I like. I hate a crowded class of any type. Also stumbled upon a personal fitness place right next door to the pilates place, but they were closed. Will check them out tomorrow as well. I've gained almost 30lbs since Rich died and I'm feeling like crap. I suddenly have the desire to get healthy - maybe it's my body giving me a warning to cut the crap and get back in shape, start eating and living healthy. I don't care about the weight so much - I'm more concerned about my strength and health...although I wouldn't mind getting back to the 'other' side of my closet once again. Would like to be back in fighting form for the new year...so maybe a little help from a trainer wouldn't be a bad idea.

Here's a little Van Gogh to close for the night...

no longer part of my life

2005-08-23T15:19:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

no longer part of my life

Read an interesting article called "Dating a Widower" from fellow blogger, Abel. Very insightful - though the author received feedback indicating that his tone was somewhat "callous".

He had stated that his first wife was "no longer part of his life".

I respectfully submit that I don't consider that statement - or the tone of the article - to be 'callous'.

Ok, this is my diary and my party...so those who stumble upon this blog will have to deal with my ramblings and opinions, mwah-ha-ha...

That said, my two cents:

My spouse is dead.

He's never coming back.

I'll never see him again in this life.

Never, ever, ever.

He was cremated and what's left of his physical form now exists as pulverized grains of bone sitting in a cardboard box. A bit of him is also contained in an urn that I wear upon my neck...the rest has been scattered at sea and other locations that he enjoyed throughout his life.

So you know what? He's no longer a part of my life.

It's not to say that I don't think about him, or miss him, or get depressed about the fact that he's undeniably gone.

I do. Quite often, in fact.

And I'm anything but callous or unfeeling. My feelings for Rich are as strong and unyielding as they ever were. They are unequivocably a part of who I am.

Afterall, I'm a composite of the many people, experiences and emotions that I've encountered over the years.

And Rich Hyams was a part of my life for almost 20 years...

But he's not any longer. Hasn't been in 11.5 months.

There's such guilt associated with loss - and yeah, this is cliche'....you read about it in the dullest of grief/self-help books.

We're alive. They're dead.

We survived. They succumbed.

We're alone. They're...dead.

Or if you're spiritual, you may believe they're flitting about the heavens, with their eternal soul partners, somehow able to weave in and out of our lives as they see fit.

They're having the time of their, uh, un-lives, and we're left here to weep and mourn and miss them terribly.

Part of you is guilty as hell for getting to live - and the other is somewhat pissed that they've moved onto the next level without you.

So what the hell am I trying to say? I guess I'm saying that it's OK to come to the realization that your dead spouse is no longer part of your life.

There should be no guilt or remorse or ill-feelings about admitting this. In fact, I kind of see it as part of the "acceptance", the healing, the moving-on part of a widow's life.

We all make choices in life. And I've chosen to live.

I recognized early in the game that I could have very easily hidden under a rock, given up, thrown in the towel...stopped living. And I'm not necessarily talking suicide, though it did seriously cross my mind a day or so after Rich died.

No, I'm talking about sleepwalking through life. Heart-beating and lungs breathing, but in reality stuck - paralyzed by the loss, by the experience and afraid to do whatever's needed to continue on my way.

So thank you, Abel, for being astute - and sharing your experience with us.

Here's his article: http://abelkeogh.com/writing/datingawidower.php

*hops off soapbox & lands in a puddle with a splash*

posted by oren_ishii at 12:50 PM 1 comments

The Wind Cries Mary

2005-08-21T15:21:00.000-07:00

Sunday, August 21, 2005

After all the jacks are in their boxes,

And the clowns have all gone to bed.

You can hear happiness staggering on down the street,

Footsteps dressed in red.

And the wind whispers Mary

A broom is drearily sweeping

Up the broken pieces of yesterdays life

Somewhere a queen is weeping

Somewhere a king has no wife

And the wind, it cries Mary

The traffic lights, they turn blue tomorrow

And shine their emptiness down on my bed

The tiny island sags down stream

’cause the life that lived is,

Is dead

And the wind screams Mary

Will the wind ever remember

The names it has blow in the past?

And with this crutch, it’s old age, and it’s wisdom

It whispers no, this will be the last

And the wind cries Mary

Jimi Hendrix, 'Wind Cries Mary'

No promises. No guarantees.

As a widow, you get familiar with this line of thinking.

It's like part of the widow package that you get once your spouse dies....a little black knapsack containing waves of emotion, uncertainty, and a loss of faith in just about all of the traditional conventions that you may have held dear.

Remember Maslow's 'Hierarchy of Needs'? I think the loss of a spouse turns his little pyramid over on it's side...you no longer worry about security (hell, your security was just ripped away from you) and you learn firsthand that nothing in life can be guaranteed. Ever.

And that begins to manifest itself in all aspects of your life. Relationships, jobs, your choice of friends...no promises, no guarantees.

So what does it take for a widow to trust again? Is this something unique to those of us who are young and widowed? Wish I had the answer...

Ok, enough of my silly musings...

Spent most of my day in bed. Think I needed to make up for all of the 2-3hrs sleeping stints that I've had for the past two weeks.

And it's good to do nothing all day...very good. A great way to start my vacation - though I already know that I have to do some work this week - hopefully it'll be from home though.

ARIES (Mar 20 - Apr 19): A voice comes screaming from within, "No! Not yet!" But the truth is Aries, you cannot hold back time. You had your moment in the Sun and now comes the time to let the magical experiences ripen. In the meantime, don't be afraid to show your feelings before the changing tides carry them into the past.

posted by oren_ishii at 5:46 PM 2 comments

love stinks

2005-08-20T15:22:00.000-07:00

You love her

But she loves him

And he loves somebody else

You just can't win

And so it goes

Till the day you die

This thing they call love

It's gonna make you cry

I've had the blues

The reds and the pinks

One thing for sure

Love stinks

Love stinks yeah yeah

Two by two and side by side

Love's gonna find you yes it is

You just can't hide

You'll hear it call

Your heart will fall

Then love will fly

It's gonna soar

I don't care for any casanova thing

All I can say is

Love stinks

Love stinks yeah yeah

I've been through diamonds

I've been through minks

I've been through it all

Love stinks

Love stinks yeah yeah

Love stinks

J.Geils Band, 'Love Stinks'

Oh yes it does, heh-heh.

Had fun this evening. It was Laura's bday, and we ended up in a bar in Hollywood for much of the night. Danced a bunch to old Motown music from an awesome live band - the band played everything from Aretha to Marvin Gaye....very cool. I just love dancing so much - not sure why but I always feel best when I'm dancing! Seriously! If I wasn't 5'6", I swear I would've majored in dance! And I have to admit for a shrimpy italian/eqyptian/hispanic chick - I know that I can dance! heh-heh! Love the feeling of moving my body to music - it's like a non-passive way of enjoying and appreciating music...I'm totally uninhibited and feel so free! Just love it! So I danced and danced and danced...even had a few black girls come up to me and start dancing with me - yeah, the ultimate compliment!

So why the "Love Stinks" reference? Ah, just some of the shenanigans of the evening. Widda's are funny creatures. We're all so desperate and wanting - and it was interesting to watch a few things going down from the 'outside'. A friend is obviously so "in like" with another - but the other is so not into the friend....ah - 'tis complicated. Suffice it to say that the scales are unbalanced and watching from the periphery, it was easy for me to observe the inner-workings of what was really going on.

All I can say is: uh, glad to be uninvolved in the drama :)

Ok - 4am here - time for sleep!

Saturday, August 20, 2005

2005-08-20T14:22:00.000-07:00

Saturday, August 20, 2005

ARIES (Mar 20 - Apr 19): Today, you can utilize the hidden potential that lay just beneath the threshold of your awareness without even knowing what's going on. You are highly intuitive now as you are being fed a stream of information directly from a parallel universe. Don't question how you obtain what you know. Just act on your hunches as if they were true.

Went to sleep at 4am, back up at 7am, rode ponies till 12p, got home and...

...my intuition steered me towards the comfort of my bed.

Mmmmmm. Nothing like an afternoon nap to cure what ails you. Thank you oh parallel universe, heh.

I've been relying on my intuitive side more and more lately...and it's been good, so far. Takes you a little outside the old comfort zone - but once you start, it's hard to stop...

Went to see 'War of the Worlds' last night and had fun. The movie was so-so, but the company more than made up for it :)

More later...

posted by oren_ishii at 3:52 PM 0 comments

Crazy Diamond

2005-08-18T15:23:00.000-07:00

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Remember when you were young,

you shone like the sun.

Shine on you crazy diamond.

Now there's a look in your eyes,

like black holes in the sky.

Shine on you crazy diamond.

You were caught on the crossfire

of childhood and stardom,

blown on the steel breeze.

Come on you target

for faraway laughter,

come on you stranger,

you legend,

you martyr,

and shine.

You reached for the secret too soon,

you cried for the moon.

Shine on you crazy diamond.

Threatened by shadows at night,

and exposed in the light.

Shine on you crazy diamond.

Well you wore out your welcome

with random precision,

rode on the steel breeze.

Come on you raver,

you seer of visions,

come on you painter,

you piper,

you prisoner,

and shine.

Pink Floyd, 'Shine On You Crazy Diamond'

I'm a crazy diamond.

Almost lost it whilst sitting in an all day strategy meeting.

We had a facilitator - one of those little professional dudes who helps disfunctional management teams stay on track, get things accomplished, etc.

The guy decided to do an "ice breaker".

We had to go around the room and share what we did over the summer that was non-work related and fun.

Vera and her husband went hiking in Peru.

Paul and his wife visited Italy.

Luisa and her husband bicycled in Captiva Island.

Ivan, his wife and kids went to DisneyWorld.

Luis, his wife and kids went sightseeing in NYC

Henry, his wife and kids went to Busch Gardens.

And then it was my turn. Well I told them about the Maine 'bago - my visit with my widda buddies. I noticed that the room got quiet as I was speaking, explaining what a 'bago was, and it suddenly dawned on me that tears were streaming down my cheeks as I spoke.

Totally out of the blue.

Well it DID break the ice....I guess. The facilitator dude just gave me a toothless smile and nervously started into his presentation and not knowing what else to do, I got up for a cup of coffee. My boss followed after me a few minutes later to make sure I was Ok - and I was just bewildered.

First time that ever happened to me. Embarrassing.

I guess that I try so hard to act like this whole widow thing is no big deal when I'm at work. But everyone knows that I'm coming up on the 1-year anniversary - I mean, they were all so involved the day I found out Rich died, so they all 'know'. And I think about 50 of my co-workers/employees attended his service...which was amazing.

So anyway, I try to act like it's no big thing, but obviously it IS a big thing.

A thing that's apparently so much bigger than me.

No matter how hard I try to act like I'm fine and everything is fine, uh, I guess it's not so fine.

Or at least my acting skills require some improvement.

In 9 more days it'll be my wedding anniversary. And in 19 days, the big whoop-dee-doo - a year since I last saw Rich.

posted by oren_ishii at 7:33 PM 1 comments

Dreams

2005-08-17T14:23:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Dreams

Had the most vivid dreams of Rich last night. We talked for a while, but dammit - AGAIN I don't remember about what! These dreams were definitely in color - just vivid and he looked so good. And I remember feeling so warm and happy during the dream, so whatever it was we were talking about was good.

It seems like I always realize he's dead in the dreams, and try real hard to come up with and ask him relevant questions and tell him specific things - but by the time I wake up, I don't remember how he answered...just remember how it made me feel.

He also gave me the biggest hug...it must have been on my mind because I remember thinking yesterday (during the day) how much I missed his hugs, laying on top of him and snuggling, etc. And I think in my dream I told him that - so he gave me this incredible hug. The hug itself was just a normal hug, we were standing up and all, but the feeling was just so different and incredible...I still remember it this morning.

Guess in reality, I must have been hugging either my pillow or worse yet, the cat! Poor Rascal...no wonder he's been hiding this morning!!!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

2005-08-16T15:24:00.001-07:00

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

ARIES (Mar 20 - Apr 19): It's difficult today to distinguish your dreams from what's happening right in front of you. Others are looking good, and perhaps relationships really do hold great potential now, but remember it's you that is doing the looking. Because you are seeing through your subjective filters rather than getting the true picture, don't make any commitments you cannot keep.

Fear of committments? Moi? Ah, silly horoscopes, lol

posted by oren_ishii at 11:55 PM 0 comments

Lake of Fire

2005-08-16T15:24:00.000-07:00

Lake of Fire

Where do bad folks go when they die?

They don't go to heaven where the angels fly

They go to a lake of fire and fry

wont see 'em again till the 4th of July

I knew a lady who came from Duluth

Got bit by a dog with a rabid tooth

She went to her grave just a little too soon

flew and laid down on the yellow moon

Where do bad folks go when they die?

They don't go to heaven where the angels fly

They go to a lake of fire and fry

Wont see 'em again till the 4th of July

People cry, people moan

Look for a dry place to call their home

Try to find some place to rest their bones

While the angels and the devils

Try to make 'em their own

Where do bad folks go when they die?

They don't go to heaven where the angels fly

They go to a lake of fire and fry

Wont see 'em again till the 4th of July

Meat Puppets, 'Lake of Fire'

I learned a valuable lesson today.

Hooter's is a great place to meet guys. Who knew?

I had my last little coaching session this afternoon, but misjudged traffic and got to Hollywood early...so seeing as I didn't eat all day, figured that I'd grab a bite to eat, knock out some more of the budget.

And Hooters just happened to be on my way. Nice little outside tables...looked good and cozy to me.

So what the hell - I grabbed some things out of my dopey little briefcase and figured I'd work and eat until it was time to see the coach. Ordered curly fries and a diet coke (ah yes, healthy breakfast/lunch/dinner of the champions) and started plugging away at my budget strategy document. Had my blackberry and cell phone spread out on the table, and my spreadsheets...ahhhh. Next thing you know, a guy came up to my little table and was like, "Are you an adminstrator or something?". He was a youngster - probably early 30's, Izod shirt and khaki's, nice brown eyes....not too bad. So I just smiled and asked what he meant by an administrator. And he stated that I looked professional, why was I at Hooters all by myself...he just wanted to say hello and see what I was working on. I smiled, said "Hello", told him "working on budgets" and went back to my spreadsheets. He kind of just stood there for a minute, and then asked "so do you come here often".

I almost fell out of my chair laughing. Too funny.

So the moral of the story for the ladies - go to Hooters if you want to meet guys. Sheesh. With all the 'hooters' around, you'd think the guys would be distracted. Thought I'd just sneak in, unnoticed. Oh well. It made me laugh...

I need a vacation - a real vacation. Have to start looking into where I want to go this fall and winter. I already have a week planned in Tampa for Thanksgiving week (we go every year - big old horse show that week...lots of fun). NY is a possibility for the holidays - though Jacqui is not too excited about NYC in December ("too cold"...wimp!). Maybe I'll go to the left coast and visit my sister and her family. I could always make it a whirlwind tour and visit her, my buddy in Carmel, my sister in law in Granada Hills...nah, scratch the sister in law...she's annoying as hell. I could go and visit the evil brother in Vancouver. Nah, he's annoying too! Though I wouldn't mind visiting BC. Ah, too many choices. A friend of mine just got back from a tour of Greece, so I'm thinking that maybe I'll go in the spring. She's divorced, and went by herself - had a blast. The idea of going on a vacation alone is somewhat appealing to me. We'll see...

David called & left a message...wants to go out over the weekend. Hmmmm. Not too sure that I want to "go out" with him again...

And in other news, here's my big announcement....woo-hoo. Go me...I think...

Chantilly, VA -Women in Cable & Telecommunications (WICT) today announced the members of Class XII and Class XIII of the Betsy Magness Leadership Institute (BMLI), its flagship executive leadership program. The Betsy Magness Leadership Institute provides intensive, yearlong training to prepare senior-level women to take on significant leadership responsibilities. Over 250 women have participated in this nationally recognized, award-winning leadership program, lauded for its record of increasing the presence of women among the industry’s executive ranks. This year marks the institution of numerous enhancements to the BMLI program, including increased focus on topics more specific to the cable industry and the addition of a second class to allow more women to benefit from the BMLI Fellowship.

“The women of Classes XII and XIII represent the best of the best in the cable industry,” said Benita Fitzgerald Mosley, WICT President & CEO. “In its twelfth year, the Betsy Magness Leadership Institute will provide twice as many women with the tools they need to serve as leaders in our industry.”

The members of Class XII of the Betsy Magness Leadership Institute are:

Pamela Baratta

Vice President Sales

Comcast Spotlight

Linda S. Chambers

Group Vice President, Human Resources

Bright House Networks - Florida Group

Lori Chee

Vice President, Affiliate Marketing

MTV Networks

Lori Conkling

Disney and ESPN Media Networks

Vice President, National Accounts4

Mary Connolly

Vice President of Human Resources

Comcast

Rochelle DiRe

Executive Vice President, Human Resources

Court TV Networks

Robin J. Feller

Vice President, Affiliate Point of Sale

Starz Entertainment Group

Valerie Gillespie

Vice President, General Manager

Comcast Cable Communications, Inc.

Lisa Hyams

Senior Vice President, Operations

Discovery Channel Latin America/Iberia/US Hispanic

Janice Janik-Fries

Account Vice President

Showtime Networks, Inc.

Ziba Kaboli

Vice President, Affiliate Relations and National Accounts

Court TV

Sloan Kennedy

Director

HBO Services, Inc.

Kathryn Koles

Senior Counsel

Comcast

Robin A. Pearson

Vice President, Business Development

Women in Cable & Telecommunications

Wendy Rasmussen

Vice President/General Manager

Los Angeles Metro Markets

Charter Communications

Karen Rivenburg

Director of Financial Planning & Analysis

Comcast - Portland Oregon Market

Jen Robertson

Director, Consumer Marketing

WE: Women's Entertainment

Dawn Rodney Tranchitella

Vice President, NGC Creative

National Geographic Channel

Misty Skedgell

Vice President, Corporate Communications

Turner Broadcasting System, Inc.

Suzee Smith-Everhard

Director Community Relations & TeleVideo

Cox Communications

Darlene Stapleton

Director of Operations, Customer Care

Time Warner Cable

Tina Thornton

Coordinating Producer

ESPN

Katy Uhl

Senior Director Human Resources

Comcast Media Center

Robyn Ulrich

Senior Vice President Marketing & Public Relations

DIY Network

Gatsie H. Wall-Jones

Director, Network Programming Operations

HBO, Inc.

Jennifer Yohe Wagner

Vice President, Business Affairs

Time Warner Cable

Broken Widow

2005-08-15T15:25:00.000-07:00

Monday, August 15, 2005

Broken Widow

Started the morning with an international conference call at 7am (it was 7p Monday night for the guys in Singapore, 1p for Europe, so uh, yeah, it was 7am for those of us EDT'ers).

Not a good way to start the morning.

And it was Jacqui's first day at the "new" school. She was wigging out at the last minute so I did my best to mute the phone and console her. Minutes later she grabbed her car keys and took off for school...in a slightly better mood.

90 minutes later I was sitting in traffic, a bit disgruntled having not slept enough the night before (managed about three hours) and suddenly feeling every bit of it. Thinking about Jacqui, wondering if she was having a better day at the new school, hoping she did OK driving there...just feeling blah...basically sorry for myself. I was missing how Rich was always there to help me whenever I needed it. If he had been there today, he would have dealt with Jacqui as I did my work thing - would've called me on the way into the office with a full report on how things went, etc.

While I was sitting there, wallowing selfishly in my own shit, I remembered that one of my widda buddies had his little girl start kindergarten today. The one thing his wife really wanted to live to see. And if that wasn't hard - well shit, I don't know what is. Then I remembered that another friend is celebrating his daughter's bday today - and she is pregnant with her second child...obviously another situation where it brings back memories, grief, etc. And yet another is dealing with the fact that her sister has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer - the same disease that killed her mother only a few years earlier.

And then it suddenly dawned on me - as I sat in the sea of cars on 836, how easy it is to fall into the self-pity trap.

I think when you stop thinking of others - and start selfishly focusing on yourself and your situation - you get so absorbed in your own issues that it actually makes it harder to heal.

I hurt a lot harder when I do that.

Shit, there has to be a bazillion other people dealing with worse things than me. And they are surviving, dealing as best they can.

My kid is having a hard time. So I need to set the example - and can't let things run amuck emotionally...I need to be on top of my game, if for no other reason than for her.

Tonight, while doing some research for the widda project, found an article about an 80yo widow who published her diary (yeah, at age 80). Her name is Phyliss Greene and her book is called "It Must Have Been Moonglow".

Now I haven't read the book - and I know that many young widows feel that there's no comparing the experience of an older widow to that of a young or middle-aged widow. All I have to say: that an 80yo woman had cajones to write a book, nevermind one that chronicles her experience as a widow...shit! I'm already impressed...

Check out her intro, taken from the Amazon site:

"This afternoon, Mt. Carmel Hospice called for my six month "check up". How am I doing, they wanted to know. "Well", I said. "I am doing well". Am I telling the truth , I wondered, was is "well?". What sorrowing widow can ever really

do well, I think. What standard does hospice use? With all their experience, they must have some definition of good and bad, well and unwell, heartsick and heartbroken. Of one thing I am sure:What is well one day is sick at heart the next, what is laughter one hour may be tears the next. In an effort to chart my own road to acceptance (I think it is there, somewhere ahead), I began to keep a journal on December 31, three weeks after my husbands death. Now I look back, I wonder if I have walked a mile or a hundred, if I am out in front or lagging behind, if there is a "norm" and might it help me, and if the others who read this who would share my journey as I go? I would welcome the company."

2005-08-14T15:26:00.000-07:00

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Eye Candy

One of the original students of 'method',

He played a tough guy with the likes of Vivian Leigh;

Years later, he stuffed his cheeks with cotten,

and gave advice to his on-screen children,

Never tell anybody outside the family what you're thinking again

All I can say is, they don't make 'em like they used to...

Marlon Brando in his heyday

posted by oren_ishii at 1:30 AM 0 comments

2005-08-13T15:26:00.000-07:00

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Just like a DKNY dress...

"He was like the flesh and blood equivalent of a DKNY dress -- you know it's not your style, but it's right there, so you try it on anyway"

Carrie Bradshaw, Sex & The City

When I first started this blog, I always felt it necessary to write for myself - and strictly for myself. I mean, this is my diary, dammit, so of course I'm writing from my stoney little heart. The words are meant for me, and only for me. But I do include the link on at least two websites - if for no other reason than to help others who are in my situation. But it's Saturday night, I'm in the midst of another widda wave, have a couple of glasses of wine in me - and you know what? Tonight I'm going to break my own rules and actually write for an audience.

How's that for a treat?

So fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night.

It's always interesting when someone makes a statement that really makes you take a step back and think...

I was called a 'bullshitter' earlier this evening.

A bullshitter.

Hmmmmm....now that's a new one on me.

Of all the things that I am, (and I am MANY things), bullshitter just doesn't ring familiar.

At all.

I brushed it off, it was meant in jest, but then I started thinking about personality types that really, really get under my skin.

So here you have it, kids, a top-eight (heh) list of the personality traits that I really hate:

8. The Superficial Wonder: They're about as deep as the nail on your pinky finger, and usually have the mentality to go along with it. Typically incented by money, power or appearence, the SW's of the world think nothing of battering a person over their career choice, lifestyle or body type, when in actuality, their biggest issue really lies within their own damn insecurity....ugh!

7. The Arrogant Asswipe: The arrogant son of a bitch that really believes his/her shit doesn't stink. You know them. You hate them. Why on earth do we even tolerate them? Someone hand me a gun already...

6. The Bullshitter. We've all experienced them - the people who bullshit about work, their personal life, about how they really feel about a person or a situation. Nothing worse than a bullshitter. They'd rather talk in circles than face the truth in any situation or even worse, they'll lead you along for their own selfish purposes and not give a second thought to how their action (or inaction) will impact anyone or anything else. Yech.

5. The Jellyfish: You know the type, they're non-committal about everything, from sports teams to religious persuasion, and from political beliefs to making plans for a simple night out. Jellyfish tend to pulsate as they drift around, seemingly riding along with the motion of the water....no direction, no concerns...nothing going nowhere. As any good ichthyologist will tell ya, these babies deliver a decent sting every now and then if you get too close, so uh, stay away from the blobby little bastards. I personally find it best to observe them from a safe distance...

4. The Me, Me, I, I: Nothing worse than a me, me, I, I. Confused on who fits into this category? Well they're easy enough to find in certain circles...they're the ones who ask "So how are you?" and as you attempt an answer, they start jammering away, usually in excrutiating detail, about (you guessed it) me, me, I, I. You'll soon get the impression, particularly in one-on-one conversations, that the focus is strictly on themselves. Can see it in their body language, eye contact, etc. Sad, really. Might as well talk to a brick wall...

3. The Problem Child: No one has problems like the problem child. And I mean no one. Their lives are just sooooo much more complex, so much more complicated, and they're just sooooo damn sensitive to everything, anything, anyone....hypersensitive, in fact. No matter what your issues are, trust me, the problem child's are worse...at least in their own mind. So much so that it may often feel like you're in a competition (ie: who's got the worse issues?) until you realize that you're dealing with a problem child. And problem children always, always, always have something going on. Every day. Every night. Just always something that's problematic....

2. The Know It All: Not sure which is worse....the jellyfish or the know-it-alls. They both suck, but for very different reasons. The know-it-all is just so full of himself. He uses the term "Oh I know" quite liberally in conversation, much like an American uses salt on an order of french fries. The know-it-alls really DO have all the answers, so don't bother offering any advice...it's not needed. They know-it-all, you silly thing...no matter what the IT is....

1. The Poor Me: Ah the 'poor me's'. They're just so sad, so damn unlucky and uh, so fucking pathetic. They've been dealt a horrid hand in life, the poor, poor things. And nothing, and I mean nothing, will make things better, regardless of what they DO have. For every solution, there's yet another set of bad circumstances to trip them up, make them stumble and enable them whine for just a little while longer. Interesting little observation: many Me, Me, I, I's have a Poor Me attitude or slant.

And there you have it, folks. Spelled out as clearly as Carlin's seven dirty words - the characteristics of grown men and women that just make me want to puke.

Ok, this concludes the 'my spiel to the audience' bit, now back to my regularly scheduled diary writing...

Got a contract/job offer in the mail today from Fox. Man, that offer looks better on paper than it did verbally. Funny that they sent it (sent overnight, no less), even though I verbally told them "no". And uh, yeah, they added more to the pot. They're making it hard for me to say no - but nah, LA is not for me at this time.

I've been doing a lot of thinking these past two days, and while the idea of a fresh start is appealing, perhaps it's not the best thing for me. So friggin' hard to decide...I'll go on the remaining interviews and see what happens, but my gut is telling me to just stay in Florida.

I mean, is there anywhere on this planet that will make me happy? I doubt it. So why put myself through the stress of a move. I guess my big fear is that I'm paralyzing myself - so afraid to go somewhere new that I'm sticking in my comfort zone....and even that is not all too comfy.

I miss the comfort of my own skin...

posted by oren_ishii at 2:20 PM 0 comments

2005-08-12T15:27:00.000-07:00

Friday, August 12, 2005

Miss Spiritual Tramp of 1948

Another ho-hum day. Work was boring - spent most of my time in a pre-strategy meeting (four hours to discuss our upcoming strategy meeting....what's wrong with this picture?) and then the rest of my time working on budget stuff.

We're looking at two options for the future: we'll either (a) stay in our existing building and expand/upgrade it (about $30M) or (b) move down the street to a new facility with new gear (about $50M).

The idea of expanding and upgrading while running the business is creepy.

Ever live in your house during a renovation?

Well picture that to the 100th power - nasty-nasty-nasty. We'll need to replace our broadcast router (similar to a pc router, it routes signals to/fro) with something hi-def compatible, add archive storage (everything will be video and audio files) and then come up with an asset management strategy (and system) for managing of all the wonderous files.

In layman's terms, that's like the equivalent of replacing a person's central nervous system while keeping him alive.

Not pretty.

My division has 12 brands (tv channels), and the content for each of these needs to be translated to four different languages (neutral Spanish, Castillian Spanish, Portugal Portugeuse, and Brazilian Portugeuse) - so for every one video file, there exists up to four audio files (these are stereo pairs). And sometimes, but not always, these programs require their own set of lower-third graphics, each translated.

You can get an idea of how sophisticated our asset management system will need to be....ugh.

And people wonder why I'm nuts? Try thinking about this crap all day...it's enough to make ya just a wee-bit wacky.

But for now, it's Friday and I'm happy to be home. I was playing with my digital camera earlier and took a few funny pics:

Me with my 'bad Florida hair' (shirley temple)

Leia the dog decides to get in the picture...

Yech! Dog germs, get the disinfectant

Aghhhhh...friggin' animals

So much for playing with the camera...Leia wants to eat it. Unfortunately, my camera is on my coffee table pc (I have a pc built into my table) so the dog has access to the couch and me. Errrghhhh...moving to my desk now.

I have to clean this pigstye house tomorrow, do some laundry....then maybe will head down to the Gables and see about getting my furniture (one more time....errghhh). I hope to sneak in some pony riding and beach time as well...

The good news: my neighbor told me that a YWCA just opened and it's just down the street from where I live...hope they have some Yoga and/or Pilates classes.....will try to stop there as well...

posted by oren_ishii at 6:27 PM 0 comments

Certain Dark Things...

2005-08-11T15:28:00.000-07:00

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Certain Dark Things...

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz

or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:

I love you as certain dark things are loved,

secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries

hidden within itself the light of those flowers,

and thanks to your love, darkly in my body

lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,

I love you simply, without problems or pride:

I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,

so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,

so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

Pablo Neruda, Love Sonnet XVII

I'm in a mushball mood.

Don't ask me why - I just am. I think it may have something to do with my emotional rollercoaster of last week. It's like I got through the low stuff and in an attempt to feel better, my black little heart is shorting out, sputtering and clunking and doing everything it can to kick-start itself back on track.

So for the moment, I'm mushy. So go ahead...

...shoot me.

Not much to say this evening. Neruda is just a tough act to follow.

Here's some eye candy by Calatrava...

Bilbao

Buenos Aires

flat-out f*cked

2005-07-31T21:47:00.000-07:00

"I feel like a defective model, like I came off the assembly line flat-out fucked and my parents should have taken me back for repairs before the warranty ran out. But that was so long ago." - Elizabeth Wurtzel

Finally, I have my house back! Ahhhhhh....love the inlaws to pieces, but man - I couldn't wait to have my space back.

Spent the early morning at the barn (again!), and then went to the beach.

And just as I got my ass good and comfy, it started to POUR. Not just a few random raindrops mind you - a sudden friggin' DOWNPOUR. Errrrgh. I got soaked! Grabbed my stuff and mad-dashed to a little beach-side bar. Ordered a drink and stood elbow to elbow with about 100 beachgoers, all waiting for the storm to pass. Luckily it only lasted about 10mins and I was back on the sand in no time.

Ended up resting for about 2.5hrs - and have the sunburned nose to prove it. But it was much needed....it's becoming one of my favorite places to hang out.

I'm gearing myself up for the QVC interview tomorrow...Philly. Yech. Well maybe I shouldn't "yech" just yet...maybe it's a hotbed of activity, a great place to live and all that.

Or maybe not. It's the namesake for the cheesesteak, for cryin' out loud. I know there's a lot of history there - but come on....it ain't NY or LA or Miami!

Well at least I'm getting really good at this interview stuff. I was out of practice so if nothing else, I'll have mastered the fine art of uh, putting that best foot forward and stuff. So silly...

David called me last night. And tonight. He wanted to go out this evening, but I needed time to myself...I could tell he was a little disappointed but handled it fine. I do have to talk to him but I'd rather do it in person instead of a phone conversation. So what am I going to say to him? Well, I want to tell him that he's a nice guy and all, but I'm just not emotionally available for any sort of dating/hanging out right now. I think he'll understand...he was pretty cool on the phone this evening. That is the one thing that is good about him - he's a low key kind of guy - no pressure or guilt-trips or anything like that - maybe we'll be able to be friends after all. We'll see how it goes when I actually talk to him...

Here's horsie pics....we are looking at these two as prospects for the Purebred Arabian division for this show season.

Jacqui and "Justa Solo", a Justafire baby!

All the madmen

2005-07-30T09:47:00.000-07:00

...I’m not quite right at all

Don’t set me free, I’m as helpless as can be
My libido’s split on me
Gimme some good ’ole lobotomy

’cause I’d rather stay here
With all the madmen
Than perish with the sadmen
Roaming free

And I’d rather play here
With all the madmen
For I’m quite content
They’re all as sane as me
David Bowie, All the Madmen

No beach today, the rain killed my plans. Ended up going to the barn and playing with the ponies. Ms. Blair Witch is back in town, so Jacqui took her for a spin - the mare is much better than she had been, but still exhibits some of the witchiness that we have all come to know and uh, love, sorta. Alex also brought down a purebred gelding "Justa Solo" that Jacqui will take for a spin tomorrow. We'll try him out for 15 days and see whether or not we'll take him on as our next 'project'...

Took the SIL and co to the Aventura mall, and ended up at Betsy Johnson - big trouble. I love her designs, she's such a freak...kinda like me. Bought a few skirts, Jacqui got a dress and then we all had dinner.

While waiting for the gang, I sat for a spell and noticed the people at the mall - had to laugh. Everyone so busy running around, doing their thing...it got me thinking about my own cluttered mind and how it's a major miracle that I even have a thought for myself.

It'd be so easy to get all caught up in the hullabaloo at this point in my life. So simple to throw myself 110% into my career, a cause like ending world hunger...or worse yet, a man who happens to be in the right place at the right time...but is not "Mr. Right"

It'd be a great distraction, but that's about all it would be.

Then I started thinking about life, the world and everything...heh.

I've been rather hung up on the whole love thing lately. What makes me so sure that I want it again - and if I do, what will the terms be? I know, I sound like I'm putting together a business plan or something (terms...heh), but I've been thinking and thinking and wondering about that. I know quite a few people who are certain that they want to be "in love" and "in a relationship" again.

I respect the hell out of them - if for no other reason than knowing what they want.

What if you're not so certain? What if you decide to live the rest of your days building incredible friendships - basically a family that you have chosen? Will I die a miserable and sour old witch?

Two silly psychics have supposedly shared a message from Rich that I'll get married again, that "I'll know" and will not live the rest of my days alone.

We're all alone in the end - so what difference does it make?

I'm at the point now where I am accepting the fact that life as I knew it died right along with Rich.

I rolled snake eyes and it's back to the beginning of the game, square one.

So here I am, waiting for my turn to roll again - this time carefully considering how I intend to play the next game...

ARIES (Mar 20 - Apr 19): You are often limited by your perceptions, but now you have an opportunity to open your horizons and move in an entirely new direction. It may not be fully clear yet, but give it time and the edges of definition will sharpen. Although you may be ready to run the race, wait until you hear the starting gun.

posted by oren_ishii at 9:25 PM 0 comments

2005-07-29T01:48:00.000-07:00

"Mama always said there's an awful lot you can tell about a person by their shoes. Where they're going, where they've been. I've worn lots of shoes."
Forest Gump

The kids put on this movie tonight, and I couldn't help but chuckle when I heard this line from Forest.

Guess you could say I've worn lots of shoes in my life, seeing as I've always been a bit of a nomad.

I was the youngest of six kids, and with both parents working (unheard of in those days, my mom was an RN, my dad a radiologist) I was pretty much allowed to come and go as I pleased. Had to fight for attention (it sucks being the little kid!) but was like a sponge for many of my formative years, observing the behaviors of my older siblings from a distance. Ended up in a few bad situations when I trusted people a little too much...but I learned from the experience.

Spent two months in California when I was 16 - missed the first two months of my junior year of high school. Rebel without a clue...

What was I running from? Who the hell knows. I don't think I had a reason, per se. Maybe that's what made me run...just wanted to see what would happen, who I'd meet...

I was not the best student. In fact, I was a horrible student. Didn't care about anything they taught us in school - learned more from reading/experiencing on my own. I was never a person who did things in a conventional way...

Had my first experience with death a few months after my California trip. Larry Prado - one of the gang that I hung out with, died in a motorcycle accident. Then a guy that I had the biggest crush on, Bob Ochochinski, died from a drug overdose. My best friend died a few years after that...car accident. And then a friend in college died of AIDS about a year after...

One of Jacqui's first babysitters died in her bathtub from a brain aneurysm on Mother's day...she was 20. Jacqui was 5, and I remember having to explain the whole concept of death to her, doing everything that I could to talk with a straight face, not totally lose it, crying...

A few months later, one of our neighbors in NY, Susan Newman (mother to one of Jacqui's first best friends) died from brain cancer. I remember going to their house afterwards, and thinking that her husband had transformed overnight into a ghost of his former self...

Rich's mother, Suzy, who was 18yrs older than him, died at 57. She was born with one kidney, and it failed....they tried a transplant, failed, then dialysis...after several years, she ended up dying of a brain bleed...

My father died the same year, lung cancer, but at least he was 79...

Two guys that worked for me went out one weekend on a new Quad that one of them just purchased...they decided to drive the thing back onto the street, and ended up getting hit by an SUV....both died horrible deaths...

And then, of course, Rich...

So, yeah, my shoes of life are worn and tattered. They've seen a lot in 42 years...more than your average bear, you know? Not sure where I'm going with all this, but maybe, just maybe, it was conditioning for what I am facing as I sit here today...

2005-07-28T01:49:00.000-07:00

Sitting here listening to Bowie's 'Life on Mars'...having a glass of wine and trying my best to relax....little tough with a house full of people.

Sally Baldwin rocks.

She's the psychic chick that has now read me twice - and has yet to disappoint.

Or maybe it has to do with the fact that Rich happens to be such a good little soul for a reading. He was his usual strong presence, making us laugh, hitting all of Sally's chakra points, etc.

I haven't done the full transcription yet - but here's a few highlights:

- He's still getting on my case about "being so much more than I allow myself to be"

- He's still pushing me, encouraging me, because it's one of the reasons that we are and always will be 'connected'

- Playing with lights is getting "old" and no longer "excites" him; he's now moving "in and out of people" and also visiting me on the astral plane. I should start paying more attention to looking into people's eyes - I'll see him there momentarily and will know it when he's there...

- He's been trying to touch me, hold me, to let me know he's there - he felt like there were a few times that he got my attention - so wants me to be more aware of this...

- I'll meet someone and will be married again (I think this is the second time I'm hearing this from him through psychics) and he'll be pushing me, will be there with me - I will not live the rest of my life alone

- On his earthly atheism: it was his "shield" but he knows it was made of glass, we all saw right through it...

There's a lot more, but I'm too pooped to try to remember everything without listening to the tape again. Will try to get to it over the weekend...

I am looking forward to a nice quiet weekend. I really need some time alone - am not used to having a house full of people! Sounds funny, and is not meant to be rude, but I really, really need time to myself.

I'm also overtired, which isn't helping. Think I've averaged about 3hrs of sleep each night for the past week or so...am going to drink this glass of wine and then try some sominex. I really need to get some sleep.

posted by oren_ishii at 9:47 PM 0 comments

The Best of You...

2005-07-27T21:49:00.000-07:00

“While McMurphy laughs. Rocking farther and farther backward against the cabin top, spreading his laugh out across the water—laughing at the girl, the guys, at George, at me sucking my bleeding thumb, at the captain back at the pier and the bicycle rider and the service-station guys and the five thousand houses and the Big Nurse and all of it. Because he knows you have to laugh at the things that hurt you just to keep yourself in balance, just to keep the world from running you plumb crazy”
Ken Kesey, 'One Flew over the Cuckoos Nest

Had a better day today...no where near as stressful as yesterday.

Sally Baldwin (soul party psychic) returned my call - she's going to do a reading for me and the SIL tomorrow at 5:30p....yipeeeee. I really hope Rich comes through...I need to hear from him - bad.

Had an interesting conversation with a friend this evening that had me thinking. We somehow got on the subject of boobs, and I told him that when I used to complain about my sagging boobs (pregnancy will do that to ya), Rich used to joke that I shouldn't worry, being a size 9 sock and all.

A size 9 sock??? Still cracks me up...he was such a nut.

But anyway, my friend (a widower) mentioned that he misses boobs - and it got me thinking about all the things that I miss.

Believe it or not, a penis is NOT the first thing that comes to mind (no pun intended). Don't get me wrong, of course I miss that - but what I really miss most is sleeping on Rich's chest...the left side, specifically. I miss his arms and his legs (he had the nicest arms and legs! seriously). I miss rubbing noses with him and I miss his mouth - he had these little dimples in the corners of his mouth that were so friggin' sexy...

That's got to be one of the hardest things for us widdas...like the emotional aspects aren't bad enough - there's the physical side, the "jones" for your spouses flesh that makes you feel so empty and alone. And there's no use in trying to use a substitute...it just ain't the same.

Guess I miss "boobs" too, and I'm not talking about a set of double D knockers...

My wedding anniversary is in 30 days. Hard to believe that for the first time in 17 years, I won't be hearing the Flintstone's rendition of "Happy Anniversary" being sung to me when I wake up in the morning.

No more reminiscing about our honeymoon in St Maarten (did I ever mention that I actually got pregnant with Jacqui on our honeymoon? So weird, considering all of the problems I had - she really was our little miracle.)

No more house plants with a card that would read "Sweetie, Here's a new plant for you to kill. I love you".

And then in 41 days.....I'll be a bonafide member of the "1 year" club.

Ah yes, 1 year. No longer "newly widowed".

DGI's will assume that I must have my act together by now....it's been a year, after all.

I should be over this whole thing. Should have life figured out - should be "feeling better" and moving on, settling down, doing great, experiencing more ups than downs....

Should be. But I don't see how that much is going to change in 41 days....I mean, I still have a hard time sleeping and crying...

This feels more like the beginning of the end, if you ask me...

posted by oren_ishii at 9:13 PM 0 comments

2005-07-26T09:50:00.000-07:00

Dr. Lilian Thurman: What did Roberta Sparrow say to you?
Donnie: She said "Every living creature dies alone".
Donnie Darko

Had a mess of a day. First had to get Jacqui registered for school at the last minute (forgot that her appointment was today...widda brain), and had to go to work late. She was stressed, I was stressed. She's a minor, so I needed to go with her.

Got to work late and it was crazy. I don't even know where to begin...such a messy state of affairs. I've got about 10 huge projects going on at once - and no, I'm not exaggerating.

And to top it all off, I'm acting as 'godmother' to Discovery Kids (Int'l)....they have no money, no one overseeing the network, ratings are tanking....so it's an orphan business unit. Sure, throw me another project - de nada. Yeah, I'll get the ratings happening, even though we're competing against DISNEY, and have a miniscule production budget. Sure thing, yeah...

Got home, entertained the SIL and family for a spell...more stress.

I intend to really rest and relax this weekend. SIL and company, along with Miss J are heading up north to visit Blair, and then their heading to Disneyworld.

I cannot go back there - not yet.

So I'll be all alone this weekend...and it's so very much needed.

I hope the weather is nice. I plan to spend both days at the beach, by myself, vegging out...and my evenings watching movies while wrapped in my favorite snuggly blankie!

3 days and counting....

ARIES (Mar 20 - Apr 19): Cool your heels, Aries, and slow down, even if you feel like you've walked into the "Last Chance Café." You have more time than you realize, so don't hit the brakes because you must; do it because it feels good. Take time to appreciate the sweeter things in life, like a visit with friends or a leisurely walk on the calmer side of the street.

posted by oren_ishii at 12:42 AM 0 comments

Monday, Monday...

2005-07-25T21:53:00.000-07:00

Monday, Monday...

" ...I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.

From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.

I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."
Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

There is nothing that a good dish of Ben & Jerry's 'Chubby Hubby' ice cream can't cure.

I'm enjoying a bit this evening, indulging myself after a rough day at work - made somewhat more difficult by my mind's program running in the background for most of the day, taking up mental bandwidth, tapping into my emotional resources...

My sister-in-law and her kids are here for the week for a visit. It's great to have her here - but I find myself being distracted by all the similarities she has to Rich...the voice, the eyes, the walk....

Genetics. Strange shit.

Almost 11 months. I thought by now I'd feel a lot more together than I do right now. I'm feeling like the darling Esther from Sylvia Plath's book - slightly paralyzed by all that is going on around me, and worried that I'll be perpetually unable to decide my own fate.

posted by oren_ishii at 11:33 PM 0 comments

2005-07-24T09:53:00.000-07:00

Interesting weekend...

Slumber parties, house-cleaning and another date with David.

I live life in the fast-lane, I tell ya...

We were supposed to go to the movies, but my gut told me that he wasn't into Tim Burton (which was aggravating...I really want to see that damn movie!), so I agreed to dinner - and then we talked. For about 4.5 hours.

He brought me a bunch of asparagus. Charming...

I have to hand it to him for originality...never had a guy bring me a lovely bunch of asparagus before.

Also learned that he's got a lot of baggage...serious baggage.

I'm not one to judge - hey I've done a lot of stupid shit in my 42 years, but I just don't have the emotional strength or desire or willingness to deal with it. I learned long ago that I cannot "save the world", and I have no intention of repeating history.

He mentioned something to the effect of "well, I guess this is the part where you dump me".

I told him that it'd be hard to dump someone that you don't "have" to begin with.

So here's my take - he's fun to hang out with, but he raised a good point...I'm not ready for someone like him - and quite honestly, I don't think he's ready for someone like me.

I'm even questioning the occasional date with him. He's been through a lot of stuff, and the last thing he needs is some wacky-assed widow with a fear of committment, grief waves and low emotional tolerance to complicate things.

I do NOT want to hurt another person - and now I find myself sitting here, getting that familiar old 'blah' feeling in the pit of my stomach. The part where it's no longer fun - where my inner monologue is ready to slap me hard. Really hard. Ughhhhhhh....

Oh well. Maybe I should just give up on eHarmony altogether and become a recluse....

posted by oren_ishii at 12:11 AM 0 comments

2005-07-24T01:54:00.000-07:00

ARIES (Mar 20 - Apr 19): Giving yourself permission to be discerning now is an important step for you. As much as you like to be enthusiastic, you cannot encourage everyone to like everything. This focus of attention can have profound impact on your job if you limit your daily routine to what needs to be done. Success may require you to eliminate unnecessary distractions.

posted by oren_ishii at 2:54 PM 0 comments

Universe

2005-07-22T19:55:00.000-07:00

"We see the universe the way it is because we exist."
Stephen Hawking

Had a wonderful time at the first official "Big Girls Slumber Party"....Jan V is the best!

Didn't realize who all was coming - and it ended up as 7 of us: Jan (our host), Dina, Debby, Laura, Lucy, Jeannie (who I hadn't seen since the soul party) and uh, me ;)

We had so much fun! I showed up in pigtails (heh), Lucy gave us all cool mud facials, we did Tarot cards and Quija (which was freaky!), ate, drank, joked and just had a really good time.

My tarot reading was interesting - a three card spread that came up: Queen of Pentacles, The Joker (uh huh) and The Tower. So here's a quickie interpretation:

Past: Queen of Pentacles - basically represents security, peace of mind

Present: The Joker - This is the guy about to walk off the cliff, head in the clouds...uh, yeah - basically represents spontaneity, change - and maybe a cautiousness required before I, uh, fall off that cliff

Future: The Tower (reversed) - the tower is struck by lightening, crumbling to pieces - but reversed means that something can be gained from whatever set back or lightening strike that hit.

So my interpreters are saying that yeah, I had security in my past, am currently walking around w/my head in the clouds (perhaps from too many choices in life? Hmmmm) and in the future, will gain something from the lightening strike or tragedy that I've experienced.

Then we did the Quija board....and the first thing we asked was "are there entities with us" - came up YES. Then we asked "how many?" the response '4' - we then named our spouses, and of course, Rich was one of the spirits supposedly there. So I got to ask a question - and I asked if I should leave Florida, the response YES, I asked where I should go, east coast or west coast - the response "E"! I asked for the name of the state, and the pin moved to "C" so of course I'm thinking uh, CONNECTICUT, which is really where the "NY job" that I am considering is located! Too weird. I had goose bumps....

Ok, gotta clean before my SIL and kiddies come to visit for the week, starting tomorrow....Here's pics

The Widdas

posted by oren_ishii at 7:05 PM 0 comments

Home again, home again...

2005-07-22T09:56:00.000-07:00

...tickety-tick.

So after spending the day with Andrea and Richard, getting warnings about how the infamous Andy is arrogant, condescending, ill-mannered (will cut you off mid-sentence if he's bored with you)...I got to meet him.

He wouldn't look me in the eye at first, so I decided to demand some attention:

Me: "You know, I was going to throw myself down at your feet and start chanting "I am not worthy, I am not worthy" but wasn't sure how you'd take it"

Andy: (laughs and now looks at me) Where did you grow up?

Me: NY

Andy: Me, too...Yonkers...

He then told me how he's an only child, misses NY terribly even though he's been in LA for 19 years....

He's not so bad after all.

Don't get me wrong...he grilled me, he bantered on and on about how it's unfair for him to grill most engineers because "it's not fair, they don't have a chance with me", and on and on. But he's got the brains behind the arrogance - so hell, he can pull it off, get away with it.

Ok, more on this later - now after my lovely red-eye (errrghhhh) have to drop the car off at the shop, go to work, act like a human....

BTW, they offered me the job, officially. A shitload of money, car allowance, annual bonus, blah blah blah....

I told them I'd get back to them sometime next week. To be continued...

posted by oren_ishii at 6:55 AM 0 comments

Desperado

2005-07-21T04:02:00.000-07:00

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin' fences for so long now

Oh, you're a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin' you
Can hurt you somehow

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She'll beat you if she's able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get

Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day

You're losin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before it's too late
Eagles

Well I made it to LA LA land.....after 6hrs sitting next to a seemingly abusive husband/father/asswipey miserable son of a bitch, it had me thinking...

Why do guys like that get to live, and good people, really good people like Rich, have to die?

Was listening to the Eagles on the plane - hadn't heard them in soooooo long (thank ya for the reminder "dipper", tee-hee). But as I listened to this song, couldn't help but to think

Desperado....the hopeless outlaw....yeah, that's me...

Pretty sad, huh?

Ah but the good news about the left coast....the time change suits me, seeing as I can never sleep in EDT! I'm sitting here, it's after 2am EDT, and uh, I'm WIDE awake...

Wish I could sleep. I miss sleeping. I have circles on my circles....10+ months and it's really taking a toll on the ol' mug, but I really don't care too much about that. I would really give anything to have my back carressed and nuzzled until I drifted off and gave my overactive little mind a break...

And David called (surprise) while I was at the airport, and wants to take me out thison Sunday. He asked what I wanted to do, and so I told him "I want to see Charlie and The Chocolate Factory". So he's going to take me, even though he's not exactly up on Tim Burton or Depp or Dahl....oh well. He's a nice guy. I have to stop being such a shithead about him...

Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day. First lunch with Richard and Andrea (the GM of the division and his EVP), and then, uh, I get to meet (IAMNOTWORTHYIAMNOTWORTHY) Andy.

AMG from NY called me yesterday, and they asked that I PLEASE call them before I accept any offers. They're not ready to move forward just yet, but I guess they'll make an exception if I'm about to accept another offer.

So here I sit - with this huge deck of cards scattered all around me. I've got AMG under one card, Fox under another, QVC under another, and Discovery under yet another....then I have to consider locations - do I go back to NY, where all my family is pretty much either dead or gone (just Rich's family there for the most part), Fox - which is just so friggin' far away from everything but offers overpriced real estate, high taxes, scads of tree-huggin' liberals (heh-heh), or bumfuck PA, which offers....hell, what DOES that place offer??? Nevermind! Or stay in FL for a bit, get my head together, and possibly regret not taking advantage of probably the ONE TIME in my life where I have multiple offers on the table....sheesh! I'm 42 - and I've read that it's usually so hard to move about at my age....yet, here I am. Is this the end, the one last hurrah before people in "the biz" look at me like an ancient old hellion OR is this just the start of something totally different?

Errrghhhh! Who the hell knows?! I sure the fuck don't. Maybe someone will shoot me in the head (one of the tree-huggers perhaps, heh-heh-heh!)....

Ok, am going to finish emails, my glass of wine and try my best to dream of sleep....

posted by oren_ishii at 1:25 AM 0 comments

2005-07-21T01:57:00.000-07:00

ARIES (Mar 20 - Apr 19): Although you may in conflict about your feelings, your rationalizations become overt now as you express what's on your mind. You have a playful streak that can cover up your emotional vulnerability. It's okay to have fun as long as you aren't using laughter as an escape from reality.

Who writes this stuff, anyway? Sheeeeessshhhhhh just a wee bit close to home this time!

You're lost little girl

2005-07-20T02:38:00.000-07:00

You're lost little girl

You're lost

Tell me who

Are you?

I think that you know what to do

Impossible? Yes, but it's true

I think that you know what to do, yeah

I'm sure that you know what to do

You're lost little girl

You're lost

Tell me who

Are you?

I think that you know what to do

Impossible? Yes, but it's true

I think that you know what to do, girl

I'm sure that you know what to do

You're lost little girl

You're lost

The Doors

posted by oren_ishii at 2:37 PM 0 comments

Stormy Weather

2005-07-19T00:58:00.000-07:00

Don't know why
there's no sun up in the sky
Stormy weather
Since my man and I ain't together,
keeps rainin' all the time

Life is bare,
gloom and mis'ry everywhere
Stormy weather, Stormy weather
Just can't get my poorself together,
I'm weary all the time
So weary all the time

When he went away
the blues walked in and met me.
If he stays away
Old rockin' chair will get me.
All I do is pray
The Lord above will let me walk in the sun once more.

Can't go on, ev'ry thing I had is gone
Stormy weather
Since my man and I ain't together,
keeps rainin' all the time.
Harold Arlen

Listening to Etta James sing this tune...ahhhh nothing like Etta!

I am exhausted but happy, believe it or not.

I had my QVC interview this evening....pretty funny. Video conference in some wayward office building in Plantation! I felt like I was on some sort of twisted secret mission - had to give a password, show ID....if only airport security was as detailed! Silly...

Then I had to help the "tech" get the polycom system happening

me: "I think you need to input their IP address"

mrs tech: "I don't have an IT address"

me: "no sweetie, IP - internet protocol..."

mrs tech: *stares at me, deer in the headlights*

me: "honey, a number that has numbers and dots, like 92.0.00 etc

mrs tech: "oh that....yeah I think I have that..."

me: "sheesh, is this part of the interview?"

It wasn't part of the interview, and we got the call going. Nice guy, friendly - grilled me for an hour and a half. They want me to fly out to PA next week....

Pennsylvania?

Hmmmmm....there ARE worse places, I suppose. Fargo North Dakota....Port Orford, Oregon....Philly PA....ughhhhhh!

Nope.

Just don't see it happening. Though the thought of being able to revamp QVC is appealing! Imagine if I had my way with a shopping network....

Why it's every woman's dream....heh.

For one thing, they need more shoes. Lots of shoes. And bags....tons of bags! Many people may not realize this, but a well-designed bag IS a piece of artwork. Seriously! And talk about mass appeal...you figure if a woman is overweight, she may not enjoy buying clothes....but bags? Everyone can enjoy a bag? Fat, thin, plump, anorexic (hey check out Kate Moss's Chloe Bags next time you're on line at the supermarket!)....doesn't matter what you look like - butch, harley-mama, old or young, if you're a woman, you need a bag! Ah, I can see it now - "Bag it! only on QVC" an hour of nothing but bags for all the bag ladies out there! heh!!!

Who says engineers can't be creative? Hmmmm???!!!

*bubble has been burst, snaps back to real life*

Pennsylvania? Nah.....

Jacqui put pink highlights in her hair last night and it looks so cute. My little punkster baby! She and Clay went to the movies....they are so cute! I'm so happy that she's found such a good guy - and they seem to be made for each other. You can see how happy they are when they're together, which just makes me all warm and fuzzy! Reminds me that there is a reason to be here, no matter how bad things get or seem to be...

She was funny the other night when I went out. She waited up for me, and when I strolled in at 2am, a bit disheveled, she questioned "where were YOU until 2am...why didn't you call?"

I started feeling guilty and was like "Sorry....I called at 11p but thought you went to bed after that"

And she retorted "Well....what were you doing until 2am? I've been here reading "Harry Potter" all night! What did you have sex with this guy or something?"

I was guilty as charged. Sheepish grin.

She rolled her eyes, "Ugh! Whatever...I'm going to bed!" She snapped HP closed and stormed off to her bedroom.

And me? I was suddenly 16yrs old all over again, getting berrated by an even more sinister version of my own mother!

Talk about role reversal....too weird!!!

Oh well...time for bed. Gotta get up early and run some errands before flying back to LA-LA land one, more, time...

Random thoughts

2005-07-18T23:59:00.000-07:00

While forbidden fruit is said to taste sweeter, it usually spoils faster.
Abigail Van Buren

He's a whiner.

Just noticed that today. David called and left a message that was like "Hiiiii Leeeessaaaaa, guess I missed youuuuuuu. Puleeasseeee call meeeeeeee".

I wish I hadn't noticed that.

It was like someone scratching their fingernails across a blackboard. Squeeeaaaaaakkkkk!

Ugh. Maybe it was his phone. Not sure why this bothers me so much, but suddenly it does.

Am I too friggin' picky? Neurotic? Psychotic? I was told from a trusted source that perhaps it's due to the "beer goggles" syndrome (thank you TD!). Guess in my case, it'd be the "wine earplugs" or rather "whine earplugs"...

Sheesh...I can't win for losing.

In other news, I have yet another interview tomorrow evening. This is with QVC/Spencer Stuart, and it's just the first conversation. We'll see how that goes. Then on Weds, I fly to LA to go meet Andy. I've heard he's a real asshole, brilliant, but an arrogant bastard.

Great.

Well I'm getting good at handling assholes, so I suppose it'll be fine.

And to think I idolized this guy's innovations at Fox. We'll see what happens...and if they offer me a job, it'll be time for me to shit or get off the pot. I have to trust my gut on this one - but I just don't see myself living in LA, if that makes any sense at all.

Jacqui wants to go to Ocala this weekend to see Blair. She misses her "baby" and believe it or not, so do I. Silly horse! She's been getting humbled at Rich Waller's for about four months now, so hopefully Jacqui will be able to ride her this fall. Blair is a 6yr old "baby" who stands 16.2 hands, jet black with a small diamond on her forehead. She's the girl you knew in high school who looked butch, was really athletic, but had the mentality of a gnat! Seriously - she's an athletic and talented horse, but with a pea-brain! But she is loving and aside from a habit of cow-kicking at random moments, uh, should be a fine english-pleasure horse! So I'll probably drive Jacqui there on Friday night (yeah, after a red-eye from LA, and then work!) and then Alex & Wendy can bring her home.

So David ended up calling me back and wants to "do something" on Sunday. At least he didn't sound as whiney as he did on his message. I told him I'd call him, but am suddenly having second thoughts about wanting to see him again, so soon.

He's nice and all, and I like him. But I'm a little concerned that he is breaking the rules already...he's been writing and calling me every day since our little Saturday night fling in the truck. It was cute at first, he would joke "oh I thought I'd take a chance and call to say hi", but now I feel like I'm obligated to converse with him...regularly. I don't know...something in my gut is like "warning, warning will robinson".

I just need a little space. Is that asking for too much? Why do people that you just meet have such expectations? Is it me? Damn those trucks, lol. Maybe I'm the one who is abnormal...abby someone :)

2nd date

2005-07-18T03:01:00.000-07:00

So what should I say?

The second date rocked! He is just like me.... no emotion, no ties...the way I like it :)

We had fun! Did I mention that he's a great kisser?

He lost his sister at 13 to leukemia, and hasn't spoken to his dad in 8yrs...another emotional train wreck...

Needless to say, we bonded in a big way...

This is the first time I can honestly say, eHarmony matched us just right...

I like David...and have a feeling that no matter what else happens, we'll be good friends :)

Only Love Can Break Your Heart...

2005-07-17T20:57:00.000-07:00

Listening to Neil F*cking Young this evening...

And I made it through today relatively unscathed. I've learned over time that the anticipation of anniversary dates is often worse than the actual day...and today was no exception.

Was going to see the Tim Burton movie this evening after having dinner with the widda's but decided at the last minute that I'd rather be home...just felt like chilling out.

I heard an interesting comment tonight at dinner - was told that *some* folks have been wondering why I never cry about Rich.

It's a good question, I suppose, from an outsider who doesn't really know me.

The truth of the matter is that I do cry but (a) I tend to cry when I'm alone and (b) my sorrow doesn't always manifest itself as tears.

It's not like I cry because I'm alone - not at all. Nor is it something that I do consciously - it just happens that way with me, it's how I am.

And I'm intelligent enough to know that most of my grieving is not about the tears.

I'm grieving when I'm tearing my house apart, piece by piece, replacing things that don't really need replacement. I'm grieving when I do my silly little computer graphics, when I listen to music, hell - even when I write in this blog. And it's my sorrow that keeps me awake 'til the wee hours of the morning, night after night - and consumes my sleeping hours in the form of nightmares.

So to those who think I'm odd, indifferent, downright cold-hearted, or otherwise grieving improperly, uh, sorry. To quote Kurt Cobain: "...appreciate the concern, you'll always stink and burn."

Tomorrow's horoscope...

ARIES (Mar 20 - Apr 19): A weight has been removed from your shoulders -- or your heart. A difficult circumstance that has been weighing on you for too long is now transforming from heavy metal into spiritual gold. You have the philosopher's stone working magic for you now, but you cannot take anything for granted. Temper your excitement with humility.

posted by oren_ishii at 9:15 PM 0 comments

Nothing gold can stay...

2005-07-17T10:01:00.000-07:00

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
Robert Frost

Happy Birthday, baby...

Getting better...

2005-07-16T13:02:00.000-07:00

It's getting better all the time

I used to get mad at my school, No I can't complain
The teachers who taught me weren't cool, No I can't complain
You're holding me down,
turning me round
Filling me up with your rules

I've got to admit it's getting better
A little better all the time
I have to admit it's getting better
It's getting better since you've been mine

Me used to be an angry young man
Me hiding me head in the sand
You gave me the word, I finally heard
I'm doing the best that I can

I've got to admit it's getting better
A little better all the time
I have to admit it's getting better
It's getting better since you've been mine

Getting so much better all the time
It's getting better all the time
Better, better, better
It's getting better all the time
Better, better, better

I used to be cruel to my woman
I beat her and kept her apart from the things that she loved
Man I was mean but I'm changing my scene
And I'm doing the best that I can

I admit it's getting better
A little better all the time
Yes I admit it's getting better
It's getting better since you've been mine

Getting so much better all the time
It's getting better all the time
Better, better, better
It's getting better all the time
Better, better, better
Getting so much better all the time
The Beatles

No beach for me....got up too late.

That's what happens when you stay up talking to whiskey-drinkin' widdas til the wee hours, heh.

Well I reconnected my stereo (had been in pieces since I had the interior of my house painted back in February), cleaned a bit, did some laundry and now am taking a break for a moment.

I want to see Johnny D in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I love Burton movies - though I know his more recent stuff has been panned...I may get up the nerve to go solo tomorrow. Not that I care, just have never done it before. I haven't been to a movie theatre in about a year (last movie release I saw was "I, Robot" which was, uh, bad. That was the last movie Rich and I saw together...

Ok, time to run out and get some errands done....

2005-07-15T18:03:00.000-07:00

What a week....total chaos on all fronts. And next week will be worse...

Had some good news at work though. I had applied to this program sponsored by WICT (Women in Communications & Technology) called the Betsy Magness Leadership program. I know, sounds like a load of shit, but actually it's a relatively prestigious year-long training program offered by WICT - of the 100's of applicants each year, they only select about 25 women to participate.

And they accepted me....yipeee. So now I'll be a "fellow" in Class XII - and will spend the next year participating in all kinds of training with my fellow sista's in the industry :) It's good for networking, career and all that....so as much as I kinda feel like a little corporate sellout, I guess I should take it for what it is, make the most of it and all that. The fun part will be the mentoring program - when I'm done, I can volunteer to mentor one of the new WICT members, give her advice, etc. which will be cool. If I can have some sort of influence on even one 'manager in training', it will be a good thing! Will teach them the "Lisa" version of management! Here's my rules:

1) Management is getting people to want to do a good job for you; so don't be an asshole

2) Stay humble - remember, it's a business not a fifedom...

3) Understand your business - understand the details and never, ever, ever minimize processes or functions. Everyone from the mail clerk to the CEO is important to the success of your business.

4) Don't hide under a rock, agree with something you know is wrong, or follow the herd.

5) Manage from your heart

Simple, right?

But for now, it's the weekend and I already have a stockpile of things on the agenda. Must clean this pigstye house, get through 80 million loads of laundry and if I can, get it all done before 11am so that I can get in some beach time.....I need west and welaxation wabbit.

I was invited out to meet some of my widda buddies on Sunday, and just remembered that it's Rich's birthday. Part of me feels kind of guilty going out on his bday, but what else should I do? Sit home and pay some sort of sick homage to him? I have no gravesite to visit and I'm not in the least bit religious, so uh, sitting and praying in a church isn't going to cut it.

I do hope he gives me a little sign, though.

Ok, it's late - and I've saved this post to draft about 100 times....closing with tomorrow's horoscope (which is interesting, in light of my big "date" tomorrow night!):

ARIES (Mar 20 - Apr 19): This may be a day of excesses. It may even feel more intense than it is. Your emotions are running deep. Be aware of what you say, for you can set up expectations that are beyond your ability to deliver. Put your feelings to work instead of play.

2005-07-15T06:03:00.000-07:00

ARIES (Mar 20 - Apr 19): Your ruling planet, Mars, picks up the incredible force of Pluto today. You could have more energy than you know what to do with. Be a positive force for change, but be careful about how you move forward. If you try to control others for your own good, you will pay for your greed. If, however, you can work for the betterment of all, today's wave can take you for quite a ride.

Mad World

2005-07-14T22:04:00.000-07:00

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression

Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles

It's a very, very Mad World

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
Tears for Fears

Actually listening to the Donnie Darko soundtrack version of this song...a lot more somber than the TFF version....funny, at first I was convinced it was Stipe, but it's actually a dude named Gary Jules (thanks for the correction, TD). Hey, whatever, his version is great...makes me feel all emo inside ;) Love the piano in this version...

Today was a totally busy day at work. Back to back to back meetings, all kinds of problems, idiots cutting the wrong wires in the new space that we're building, software issues, dogs and cats living together, total chaos....errrgghhh!

I realized that I am constantly listening to and solving problems all day, every day

No wonder I'm such a fucking mess in my personal life...it's a wonder that my blood pressure isn't through the roof!

Sometimes I feel kind of selfish and just want to tell people, "go figure out life for yourself"....it's just so mentally draining at times.

My fate in life seems to revolve around solving everyone's problems. "Lisa, the IBMS software is not reflecting our ad sales revenue" or "Lisa, some asswipe accidentally cut all the good telephone wires in our new space" or "Lisa, our phone switch is maxed out & we have no money to buy a new chassis" or "Lisa, Mexico wants HDTV even though they haven't even fully transitioned to SDI" or "Lisa, my wife left me and I need to go on FMLA leave for two months to have a breakdown" or "Lisa, we need to add some new XML effects to our ITV venture" or "Lisa, we need a way to increase bandwidth on our satellite transponder without incurring additional cost".....AGGHHHHHH!!!!!

And people wonder why I'm such a basketcase in my personal life....sheesh! I want someone to listen to my problems, dammit, and give ME some answers for a change :)

Ahhh, feel much better already! Just needed to vent to something....even if it's only my handy dandy PC screen!!! How pathetic am I?

On a brighter note, the darling David from Miami wants to take me out on Saturday night. He called me tonight and left a funny message. Said that he was nervous calling - so I guess my little diatribe about not wanting someone who's going to "jones" me, had him thinking. So I called him and we talked for about two hours. We actually have a lot in common - same spiritual beliefs, same outlook on monetary things, etc.

He's still kinda' cool. But being the perpetual pessimist when it comes to romance - I am feeling a bit guarded and cautious.

Not something that I'm comfortable with....I typically enjoy charging at things in my life at full force, so it's a bit unsettling to have to slam on the emotional breaks and drive in low gear...ick.

My other concern: well, it's been a long, Long, LONG time since I, um, have been intimate with someone. Yeah, I have a bad case of skin hunger. What can I tell ya, I went from being VERY sexually active for the past 20+ years to, uh, nothing. So I'm worried that I'm going to molest this poor bastard and scare the daylights out of him :)

I'll do my best to behave....but I do tend to be a bit spontaneous. I'll never forget the first time I met Rich...he went to give me a kiss goodbye, a nice & polite little peck on the lips, so I grabbed his shirt collar, pulled him back towards me and uh, gave him a good kiss ;) He was so shocked, it was so funny! It was one of many things that he used to talk about 15+years later!

So uh yeah, I tend to act/react based on my gut feelings.....hopefully they will serve me well on Saturday evening!

"Happiness is...

2005-07-13T22:05:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

"Happiness is...

...that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one's values. " Ayn Rand

I heard some wonderful news today: another one of my widda friends is getting married. This is the second widda buddy in the course of a week that is getting married from our little group here in Florida.

And as she shared her great news, I sat and got all teary-eyed and emotional. In a good way.

A lot of my non-widda friends would say "oh how nice" and not give it a second thought.

But I think it's pretty significant, particularly for someone who's been widowed.

You figure, none of us asked to be in this situation. It wasn't something we chose or decided upon.

Even if your spouse was scum of the earth - (which seems to be the exception rather than the rule, based on those I've met in person or online) there's a 99.999% chance that the surviving spouse NEVER ever wanted or wished for their spouse to die. At least not seriously...

Way different than remarrying after divorce, in my humble opinion.

No, I've never been divorced, so I don't exactly speak from experience. But you figure with divorce, it's a physical separation but not a permanent physical separation.

So where am I going with all this? Well, just that remarriage in a widow's life, to me, is so very significant. More so than your average divorced or perpetually "single" friend who decides to get hitched.

It takes, for lack of a better word, some major cajones to go down that path. I give my widda friends a LOT of credit for choosing that path...

I cannot imagine being married ever again. I have nothing against it, mind you - just cannot imagine it. I wonder if this has to do with my age (42) or the fact that I was married for almost 20yrs...or maybe it has to do with the fact that I've never really been on my own as an independant adult...who knows.

Rich would've been 43 on July 17, this weekend...yet another landmark occasion. Part of me is so pissed that he didn't even make to 50. Part of me is surprised he made it to 42. I mean, it's amazing that he made it to 21. He was in several accidents - a wicked concussion from doing a "sailor dive" in his pool at 13, a dirt bike accident that left him with another major concussion and his jaw wired shut at 16, the infamous car accident at 23 where he was in a coma and lost most of his memory for the longest time, not to mention the many close calls he had as a rebellious teenager, doing the whole russian roulette thing with mind-altering chemicals....

I'm listening to YES this evening, and forgot just how peaceful "Heart of the Sunrise" makes me feel...

I found some Roger Dean artwork on the web and thought I'd post some here. Dean was my IDOL in high school. I remember finding a book (Views) on his artworkand architecture when I was about 17 or 18, and I studied that thing from cover to cover! Funny. A big old red paperback book that was about 20" x 20", and had all these awesome huge color prints of his stuff. People would pay me money to paint their denim jackets and walls with the Fragile album artwork or the YES logo. And I thought that because I could copy someone's work that I would make it as some big hot shit artist back in those days! heh!

Here's a sample of Roger's work...

295 days, 15 hours, 14 minutes....

2005-06-28T21:09:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

295 days, 15 hours, 14 minutes....

...since Rich died. Unbelievable...

Someone posted a calculator on the ywbb board and I couldn't resist - anal retentive counter that I am....sheesh.

Had a good day, albeit non-stop, back-to-back, roller-coaster-ish....ugh. I'm working on yet another building/technology analysis....BORING.

Played around w/photoshop while I was in a bummy mood...here's my version of a family portrait: